I used to lie on the couch all day drinking tequila in my underpants but I've found that I spill a lot less when I use a glass.

I spend my days like any other normal person: 1/3 working, 1/3 sleeping, and 1/3 cleaning my wife’s hair out of the shower drain

This lava pit looks like it's sucking the souls of the damned into hell...

If I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills, I would probably freak out

this better not be that goddam coyote again!

When the penalties for abortion are more severe than for rape ...you know there's a war on women