Cont. (5 of 5)
I can't say that I truly love my mother. I don't hate her, but it's mostly ambivalence on my part. Our relationship was tainted by her narcissistic tendencies and now, I have emotionally crippling problems of my own (MDD and GAD). I know everything about her past, and I empathize with her pain. I'm slowly healing from a lifetime of emotional turmoil, and I refuse to let my issues affect my future sons/daughters. I'll be the mother to my kids that I deserved growing up.
Cont. (4 of 5)
My mom's air of superiority, her manipulative tendencies and her refusal to respect me as an individual led me to resist her. Thus it was always war. I was scapegoated and went through years of emotional abuse. I was made to feel wrong and ashamed of myself for making my own choices, for speaking up when she was being unfair and for disagreeing with her at any turn. It took 18 years for me to realize that I wasn't wrong or defective. She was the one with the problem, not me.
Cont. (3 of ?)
These are the things that covert-narcissist parents are known for doing... And how my mother behaved for as long as I can remember:
- Playing victim to earn praise/compliance
- A lack of empathy
- Air of superiority
- Manipulative (guilt tripping, blaming, shaming-- my mother used/uses this a lot)
- Hypersensitive to criticism (just unable to take it at all)
- co-dependency
- Treating their children as extensions of themselves, not as individuals
These are just a few things.
Cont. (2 of ?)
Covert narcissists are hypersensitive and vulnerable on the inside. More than likely they didn't have their emotional needs met when they were children. As adults they're sensitive to criticism and are prone to anxiety and delusions of persecution. Bottom line, they want attention and constant approval from those around them (narcissism) and when that delusion of perfection and superiority is threatened they can be volatile and abusive. But covert narcs have a unique approach.
I've always had a rocky and tense relationship with my mother. These last several months in therapy have helped me understand why. I was appalled and embarrassed that I didn't see it before, but the clues we're all there, and now I can say it out loud without feeling like a terrible person or a terrible daughter for doing so...
I was raised by a covert narcissist.
Tried for over three weeks to get my family into reading more by leaving some of my favorite books on the living room coffee table. It obviously wasn't working. So I went to look for them this morning, and found them at the bottom of the rinky-dink bathroom chest where we keep the toilet paper....
I'd be lying if I said that I'm not a little bit insulted.
Black tea, depression/anxiety meds, and vitamins-- the breakfast of champions.
#goodmorning #whatisfoodDoing paperwork for grad school.
It's 3 am, I'm on my second mug of coffee and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pull an all-nighter by accident.
It's one of those "Consume-nothing-but-caffeine-and-hyperfocus-until-sh*t-gets-done" kind of days.
*smiles wildly and screams internally*
#ineedadrink #ineedsleep
Getting chilly these days. Stay warm, everyone.
