Every family has an uncle Bob. You know, the one who goes on about “socialism” and “freeloaders”.

Here’s your guide to dealing with them this holiday season.

There were three men came out of the West
Three kings both great and high
And they have sworn a solemn oath
John Mastodon must die.

They took a tank and ran him down
With bullets in his head
And they have sworn a solemn oath
John Mastodon was dead

But when the Spring came kindly on
And showers began to fall
John Mastodon got up again
And did surprise them all...