Y’know, I think about life a lot. I think about who I am, all the imperfections and traits that make me the individual I am. I think about the life experiences I’ve had, the things that have shaped me and whatnot. I think about what’s to come and what I need to do next. I think about my choices a lot, the things I’ve done right, but more the things I’ve done wrong and I know I can improve on. I think about you all a lot, both individually and as a collective. I think about my time in these communities, the folks I’ve come across, the things I’ve learned, and the experiences I’ve had.

I can’t say I’m a perfect individual by any stretch of the word. I can’t even begin to stand in the same hemisphere as it. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Sometimes I genuinely wonder how so many folks can actually stand or appreciate me honestly. I’m a lot to put up with at times. I know I should be and need to be a better friend, I know that I leave a lot of messages unanswered and a lot of folks hanging. It’s not intentional, I promise.

We as human beings, especially those of us who are some level of neurodivergent, find comfort in routine. We have our favorite foods we eat endlessly. We have that favorite t-shirt or hoodie we wear endlessly until it’s tattered and falling apart. We have those songs or those shows we play on repeat until we can’t stand them anymore. Most importantly, we find security in our closest and best known friends. We keep our circles small and tight, and it can be hard for some of us to forge new relationships, myself included. Hard to start and even harder to maintain, especially now in this ever-changing and ever-complicated world we live in.

I’ll fully admit there are some of you that I’ve been a poor friend and individual to. I’ll own that every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I’m not by any means excusing my behavior, but understand it is not intentional. I am only one individual, juggling a myriad of diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues, personal traumas and crises, just trying to get by one day at a time. It’s not hard for me some days to get easily overloaded and just mentally shut down or to lose interest in a conversation and just not catch the same vibes someone else is putting down. There are days where I roll out of bed and immediately feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Others, I feel invincible and nothing can stop me, or any myriad of things in between that could change instantaneously. I’m writing this on a day where I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed, to tell you the truth, but it feels like this needs to be put out there.

The point I’m trying to get out of this, if you’re still here, is I’m trying, honestly. I try each and every day to do better and to be better, and some days it isn’t enough. I hate the way it makes me feel. It feels like I’m letting someone down, that I’m disappointing someone when I can’t share the same vibe or feel the same spark in a conversation that they do. I hate that I can’t get to all the folks that I want to in a given time either because my mental bandwidth is beyond taxed or otherwise. It isn’t for a lack of trying either, it’s just there’s only so much I can do.