It's cold outside #dogsofmastodon

If I had to do stand-up comedy, I could just talk about my mom for a good 15 minutes. It may end in me sobbing though.

Welp, I moved over my greatest tweets - hopefully those hashtags can help me find the cool kids. 😂

I just responded to my mom's text about washing your groceries "unsubscribe" ... This will go well. #ididntsignupforthese #unsubscribe #howdidigetonthislist
#shitmymomsays

Mom: can I ask you a question?
Me: (oh this is gonna be good) yeah
Mom: what kind of statement are you trying to make with your hair?
Me: (I think she thinks I'm a lesbian) none, my hairstylist cut it. I think it's trendy.
Mom: well I don't like it
Me: ....
#shitmymomsays

My mom sent me an email yesterday but it bounced back because she put the wrong last name. #shitmymomsays

*loud bang*
Me: what was that?
Dad: a noise
#shitmydadsays

I've been able to help my dad with his last two #crosswordpuzzle clues M/T/W. Answers were: Radiohead, Kalel and Latke. Good thing he has my stepmom the rest of the time.

Last night I really needed ice cream, but I also needed it the day before that and the day before that, so I was out. The end.