Hi, I'm Nissa - Lemmy.World
Not sure what to do, not sure what to say, but I’m going to try. To preface, I’m
a male in my mid thirties, I’m married, work in the trades, and live in a red
state. I don’t feel comfortable with the following for what I think are pretty
obvious and understandable reasons. I have partially opened up about this with
my wife, and while she is very understanding and supportive, I haven’t
completely as I don’t completely understand it myself. I’m partially hoping
writing and posting this will help me to understand who I am, and maybe start to
accept it. I’ve been in pain my whole life, and I think this may be at least one
of the scars on my heart. Obviously you know where I’m going with this. I’m not
fully Trans, I’m definitely a man at least in body and mostly in soul. I’ve
always felt more feminine then the men I grew up around and live and work with
on the daily. I have often referred to myself as the daughter my mother never
had. I not positive on the ratio, it seems to slide with my mental state. I’m
bipolar and when I’m depressed it’s probably 70% male 30%female, when I’m manic
it’s pretty close to 50/50 potentially 40/60 when it spikes. I dunno, it’s
really hard to gage since I’ve been repressing it for most of my life. When I
was young, probably 9 or 10, I was encouraged to try on one of my cousins
dresses. To my grandmother and my brothers it was really funny, they got their
embarrassing photo to hold over my head and a reason to laugh at me. Not in a
mocking or belittling sort of way, just a poking fun tee hee sort of way. The
joking never bothered me. The thing is, I really enjoyed it. I like how I
looked, it put a big smile on my face, I loved posing for the photo. Legs tucked
together and bent to the side, arms extended, with hands overlapping on my
knees, batting my eyelashes. A year or two later, I started trying on my
sister’s clothes, especially her underwear. She lived with her mom during the
week but had her own room with clothes for when she would stay with us on
weekends. Durring the week I essentially had the house to myself as my brother
would lock himself in his basement room and ignore the family. So I would
‘sneak’ into her room grab some clothes and undies and try them on in the bath
room looking at myself in the mirror. They never really fit right but I enjoyed
it non the less. By middle school, I had stopped all cross dressing in secret
and basically pushed all those thoughts out of my head. I mostly hung out with
girls and felt closer to them than I did the boys. I still had male friends but
they were never really my best friends. I was pretty heavily ostracized because
my family wasn’t religious and we lived in a fairly evangelical suburb. My three
best friends were girls and I spent most of my free time durring school hours
with them. In high school we were allowed to dress up for Halloween, and one
year a friend and I decided to dress up as girls. I was very excited, not to
have an excuse to wear girls clothes in public, just to do something with a
friend. My mom loved the idea and took me to goodwill to help me pick out an
outfit. We decided on an early 90s valley girl kind of look. Pink knit shirt
with super short sleeves the hung on the sides of my shoulders and a white skirt
even got a wig to go with it. Again, when I tried it all on and looked at myself
in the mirror I got really excited, a huge smile on my face, fucking loved it.
But then I got scared. Why did I like it so much? What if someone thought about
it the wrong way? What if I looked or acted the part too well and people started
talking? I couldn’t handle the anxiety and chickened out. Guys aren’t supposed
to like dressing that way, they did it for a laugh. My friend was bummed but
understood, it was just my social anxiety. No worries. I repressed it again, and
spent my junior and senior years; all of college; and my early 20 smoking weed
and doing psychedelics, self medicating. I stared drinking heavily after my
girlfriend of three years, the woman who I was sure I was going to spend my life
with, broke up with me and basically said she never should have dated me. She
stared dating me to get with my friend. She did fall in love with me but we
really weren’t right for each other. This coupled with starting to work third
shift drove me deep into a bottle. SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING Skip the next 4
paragraphs to avoid -----‐‐------------------------------------- ::: spoiler
Title This is when it all starts bubbling back up. I watched a lot of porn,
straight stuff at first, nothing super kinky. Stumbled on to trans porn one
night when I was particularly drunk and watched it ‘for a laugh’. Didn’t
masturbate, just watched. It wasn’t gay, it was just two chicks having sex, one
of them just happened to have a cock. Over time I started watching it more and
more, started jerking off to it, switching back and forth from straight to
trans. Started watching trans on trans,guy on trans, trans on guy. By the time I
stumbled into sissy hypno I knew I was bi. But now I was starting to realize, I
wasn’t just bi, I wanted to be the girl. I wanted to suck cock, to please my
man, to be fucked. I’d watch female pov blow job porn. When I found femboy
stuff, I stared to not just be a girl in a sexual way. I envied their lithe
bodies, their small breasts, their smooth skin and curves. I wanted to wear
those thigh high striped stockings, with matching bra and panties. I wanted to
put an a skirt and crop top. I only recently found out about feminine chastity,
kind of want one of the really tight pink ones that kind of look like to have a
clit. I’ve tried a training dildo before and didn’t find it went in far enough,
now i want a full sized, but am terrified of being caught. I’ve never had sex
with a man, I’ve sucked one tint cock and when he touched me I got scared, I
wasn’t really attracted to him, I just really wanted to try. This was before
grinder exsisted, i think. What can you expect from a Craigslist hook up Is this
real or did I actually just hypnotize myself. ::: By this point I was already
happily married to that supportive, and understanding woman. She came from a
catholic background, and while she has given up Catholicism, she is still very
modest. She’s a horse girl, jeans, loose tee shirts, cowboy boots. She’s thin
with a cup breasts, maybe that’s what drew me to her when we met. I was very
drunk that night and even though I was at the party to try and hook up with
another girl. But when I saw my future wife I was infatuated immediately, I felt
like even though I was talking to the group I was actually just talking to her.
I want to embrace this feminine side of me but I’m afraid of it. I like watching
auctions because it helps me jot spend money on stupid shit (most of the time).
The other day there was a cute rave skirt, basically booty shorts with a black
lace draping from waist to ankles, a pink bob cut wig, and a blue white and pink
long curly wig with pig tails. I could picture my self in them and liked what I
saw. I added them to my watch list, but as soon as they hit the first page I got
nervous and removed them. How would I explain it? Would I have to hide them?
Could I actually get myself to wear them in my home, at a Halloween party, or
god forbid in public? Who am I? What should I do? Am I allowed to embrace this
side of me? Is Nissa allowed to exist? Am I allowed be be Nissa, even just some
times? Do it push her away again, bury it again? I’ve already burned her/my
clothes once, threw away the make up. If I do embrace it, will I actually buy
myself the clothes I want? Will I wear them? Will I feel good about how I look?
Will I have to hide it? Will I end up burning them again? As much as I’m not
Nissa, I am Nissa. Always have been, since before I was born when my mom hoped I
was her daughter. Nissa was my first name. But am I allowed to call myself by
that name? As a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, the answer is yes, of course
I can. Embrace who I really am. Buy the clothes, wear the clothes, call myself
Nissa, even if just from time to time. But I also only just grew into who I am
as a man, a loud, confident man. A man who wears fun colors and three piece
suits. Who wants to stand out and be the guy who can talk to anyone and
everyone. As Nissa I don’t know who I am, I’d like to know but the fear is real.
Part of me wants you to accept me, to say yes! Buy the clothes wear the clothes,
get comfortable, embrace it! Be Nissa and love every second of it! Part of me
wants you to reject me, to say no! You’re not Transfem, you’re just a man who
wants attention! Nissa’s not real and you should be ashamed! Regardless of what
you say, I’ll probably still doubt myself. Question if it’s real. If I, Nissa,
am real. And if I am, should I be? Thank you for your time - Love, Nissa
