me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Midge
@Midge@mstdn.party
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Midge
Sow confusion by calling everyone in the ladies room “bruh”
Uncle Duke
Princess of Whales 
you can’t hurt me, you’re not one of my mother’s compliments
Beavarah 
Learn to enjoy the small things, like airing out your armpits on a hot summer day.
I’ve never been in prison but I have been trapped in a car with a kid talking about Minecraft
them: ugh could you be more annoying
me: oh absolutely
me: oh absolutely
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, it’s a Trojan charley horse
Chamomile HangoverSaw a fucking apex male standing in line at Walgreens in nothing but his pajamas and an n95 carrying a six-pack under one arm and a gigantic bag of maxi-pads under the other.
Pretty sure I heard a bald eagle cry when we made eye contact.
Pretty sure I heard a bald eagle cry when we made eye contact.