LadyUnicornEJG's Struggles
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- 60 Posts
Mom of 2, trying to be everyone's everything at home and failing to take proper care of myself. It's exhausting. ADHD, Anxiety, past depression, and lots of little things that add up.
I just want to actually be able and allowed to work WITH my body. But even if my kids didn't have special needs, good fucking luck finding everything in an offset schedule that would work that way.
Seriously, thanks to expecting to fit in with society - or really not even just that but what's supposedly just true for humans - I wind up spending more than half of my time either sleeping or fighting my own nature to try to manage sleep. So that the other less than half can at least fall within the time everything happens. And I still end up sleep deprived, especially during the school year.
But just about opposite from what is totally the definitive truth for everyone (if you go trying to look for advice), if I lay in bed playing phone games that JUST occupy my mind, after being awake/active enough all day to be actually tired despite how unnatural it all is for me, then I can cut it down from like 4-5 hours before finally sleeping to 2. Well, most nights.
And there's the stupid avoid blue light, it's the screens, blah blah blah... You know what happens for me if I avoid screens at night to try to sleep more normally? I deprive myself of highly enjoyable activities while still failing to sleep near normal. In fact, everything possible has my attention during the night. The last thing I usually want at night is sleep, regardless.
That's even if I could get others to take care of school calls, kids appointments, and anything else that isn't me specific that also is only possible during the day. I doubt I can.
Of course most of society assumes the sleep at night up all day stuff. But at least stores and such are open late enough to manage a schedule that'd work for me. Though any that bother with any kind of accomodations also shove those in the morning.
Of course, I can't do that. I have 2 kids under 5. One needs school/daycare to be around kids - he's started talking so much more since. The other is in a specialized preschool class. I have to be getting them on their way somewhere more like 7 in the morning. By the time I could get 8hrs from that (if my body will cooperate once pushing that far past what's natural for it), it'd be a struggle to handle doctors visits.
But even in that environment I don't really want to be asleep. If I felt comfortable tending, then putting out a fire after dark, then going in a tent in the middle of the night id still probably stay up until at least 2-4am. I just don't, and others aren't up doing the same so I get bored to sleep.
If I let my body alone without controlling anything, I don't even wind up on a 24hr cycle. But I could probably manage one going to sleep around 4am
But also sleep. The only way I could possibly sleep at night the way you're "supposed" to would be to make the entire house go as extreme as while I was camping - basically zero lights or screens or anything after it starts getting dark. And it's not that this fixes my actual circadian rhythm. It just forces such intense boredom that I fall asleep, and then light in the morning is so intense while in a tent that I can't really avoid waking up.
Google's paid survey BS I sometimes do so I can waste a little bit in games here and there... Well it asked me about if I looked for concert tickets recently and I'm just like no, why would I? I want to play my game I've owned for years, not waste money being in a too loud and crowded environment. Quite a few things come up like that, where I know people often or usually do and I'm happier not.
But lately, not so much. I guess because I'm also looking at how to truly stop fighting my body and mind and nature. I'm wanting to stop spending more than half of my time just on fighting to be or do what I need to while expecting normal or average to mean anything. But also because some of the advertising attempts and sales stuff is more transparent and I'm realizing that much of it hasn't "worked" on me because I just don't care so much about what "everyone" cares about, likes, or does.