Hasbro Executives Report Their Gambling Habit is Under Control, Not Addiction.
[Satire] Hasbro Executives Report Their Gambling Habit is Under Control, Not Addiction. - The TTRPG network
When asked for comment, Hasbro Executives report that while they do gamble, what they’re doing is a normal part of their job. “Listen, everyone in our industry and economy deals with growth, and the risks of growth. We need to make investments to attempt to grow or our stock prices will fall as investors chasing profits will put their money elsewhere. So when we spend billions of dollars in 2020 and 2021 to attempt to grow our brand, we do so with the sobering knowledge that this isn’t a sure thing, but calculated risks need to be made.” “But we manage those risks sufficiently, because we have other peoples’ jobs as collateral. I mean, just imagine how we could possibly make these financial risks if we had to shoulder the responsibility for underperformance ourselves!” Unprompted by questions, the executives continued. “And don’t you dare try to put this in a negative light. This is just how our civilization conducts its artistic output. What, do you want people to make fun things just for the joy of it? You sound like a stuttering gap-toothed simpleton. You need to grow up kid!” The Executives took this moment to pull out two Cigarettes, lighting them simultaneously before taking a series of quick drags. “WAKE UP!” They added before going eerily quiet to stare into the middle distance. At time of printing, Hasbro Executives have entered into negotiations with eldritch powers to obliterate all cultural knowledge of Dave Arneson to improve their next Financial Quarter’s figures by half of a percentage. They are additionally hoping to leverage other cultural history of the hobby for tax breaks, stating “You know, like how streaming services destroy art. Can we do that?”
