With Brexit around the corner I'm announcing that all the plans I've been making for Nigel can no longer realistically include British Steel.

I never turn my head when my doctor tells me to cough, we don't have that level of trust.

I'm so old the closest I'll ever get to auto-erotic asphyxiation will be a tragic accident whilst trying to button my cardigan properly.

The only reason I eat kale is to ruin the taste when I'm turned into Soylent Green some day.

My new cognitive dissonance scale starts with people who brag on social media how non-conformist they are and ends with those who self-identify as 'vaccine-hesitant'.

John Lennon trying to feed baby Sean
🎶All we are saying, is give peas a chance🎶

My no-budget dystopian film is just me wandering around with my camera asking people how awful their day is.

Fun fact, if a Canadian says 'Sorry' five times in a row in front of the mirror, the ghost of Gordie Howe will hip-check them straight to hell.

Sigmund's cross dressing was the first recorded instance of a Freudian Slip.