Thank you for the offer

I am currently trying something for myself seeing as my options are limited.

Basically I am walking - target, for now, is 5 KM a day with a goal of 25 KM a week and then post on a weekly schedule to act as a cataloguing tool in conjunction with social media to reaffirm a feeling of social connection.

It isn’t perfect but I am trying something to try and work on the the deep self-hatred, self-shame, loneliness, etc.

I feel by doing something that works the energy out and acts as proof to validate that I am not alone, especially when a few people I have on the social media acknowledge it - small victories.

I am also hoping that social pressure will help to motivate me to not stop and can hit a few birds with a stone throw - so to speak.

Thank you for your reply

I wish to say that my reply is not to demean or invalidate what works for you and has led to you finding results that have been met with success and just a realisation that I just need to accept the situation for what it is.

Additionally, not this group but another I tried to seek assistance with in a different environment, but it is something of a sore spot for me to mention because I have mentioned my financial difficulties and how it is hamstringing my healing process. I wish to say that I am not asking for financial support. It felt demoralising to want to air the frustration of how difficult it is to get the help I need and not be able to afford the means to get it.

I understand that people have their own difficulties in life and it is hard and answers cannot be always be found, but the feeling that it gets treated like I am begging for financial gain, for someone to “save me” with a swipe of a transaction really felt insulting and I wish to iterate that I am not asking for financial assistance.

I tried to plan trying again to go the hospital and endure what I would after breaking away from feeling how my treatment was not taken seriously.

Currently with my finances, I cannot afford it, I worked it out and at most I can afford 3 trips

• So making an appointment to get clearance for an appointment with the mental health services (getting a proof of requiring attention)
• Then an appointment for assessment
• Then an appointment with a psychologist to then run the tests for assessment
• Then come back to go to get answers for assessment and being assigned an diagnosis

That is not taking into account if they drag their feet again and waste my time and what I assume above is the best case scenario, which is usually not the case - even if it might be easier or harder than what I imagine.

Then if I want to apply for a grant - which should be able to at the very least help alleviate some pressure and be able to pay for transport costs

This will require and hinge on the hospital actually giving me my diagnosis paperwork and not decide that meds is all I need like the last time I tried to get help. I can be able to get the necessary documents sorted with it all hinging on whether the hospital wastes my time again or not within the 3 trips I can afford.

Currently it is not feasible to get the support that I want - I will need to wait for family to gift me money over my birthday or Christmas time to afford this process. The house is somewhat existing on the charity of family to keep it above the point of uncomfortable struggle.

I have to just accept the fact that I just cannot afford it, right now.

The only thing I can do is try to “self-medicate” and unfortunately that is met with mixed results, because I do not have the luxury of much choice. Best I was able do recently is go for an hour long walk and adding music to it the routine. This is to stave off the unbearable inner voice that accompanies me while walking, only thing I need to do now is try and build some consistency with it.

There are other things I wish to try more forward with but there is a lack of self-confidence and I guess planning to be able to where I want to be.

I have tried to cut back on sugars - have coffee with 1 sugar at most twice a day, with a rare exception of 3 times, only drink water with the occasional sugary drink that the family shares once week.

Evening meals are alternating between chicken and meat with variation with potatoes, vegetables or some form of refined product , but I do admit there is a lot gluten (bread, processed foods because cheap), milk, refined sugars in bread and most likely seed oils (used for cooking, in food additive products ) in the way the food is prepared and served.

Thank you for the suggestion though

I find creating a role and working a self story into a character with role play elements can give enjoyment with the right type of motivation.

I also like to put restrictions on myself or play something that I am not great as but still enjoy.

So I guess I make my own motivation and that gives me the impetus to do a thing.

I create my own dopamine channels through my own player agency, although finding those type of games is down to player choice or experience

I think a nice game to explore

Might fit criteria 2 a bit but:

Outer Wilds, there is time pressure but it is always recommended to not spoil yourself and just discover the story on your own steam and allow yourself to figure things out on your own.

If it is video games

I think do not force yourself to play

Like there are games that I just take forever to be in a mood for - like I can have a certain game phase and I would watch something around it, read a bit about it.

It is like how the big companies build hype, but you build your own hype and then when you get in the mood just try to immerse yourself in a session

Don’t have to finish a game, just play( within reason) until you get your fill.

Could focus on short intense session games, left 4 dead or slay the spire, so you can enjoy a session or two or if rpgs, depend on personal preferences, I like to come up with at least a theme around a character and really try to rp the role.

If you don’t mind reading, games like disco elysium I found was one of those games that I had friction getting into until I stopped thinking too much about what I wanted to exactly play and just picked a role and stuck with it and it is one of those games that will show you different sides to it depending on your role play.

Whatever you do, be careful of factorio if you value your time - there is a reason it is called cracktorio because it has a way to “hack” your brain into an efficiency mindset of always looking for more to create more and you loop this gameplay mindset of “the factory must grow”

I assume you are getting help and some form of therapy if you received a diagnosis and taking tests.

I don’t know if this will help and I am sure someone more qualified can correct me, but maybe you can make improvements with framing things in a different way.

Like you say you have an over-active imagination, perhaps try and frame an element of work towards a goal or make a checklist of what you need to do and reward yourself when you complete say 50% of the goals in the day and try work yourself up to 75% and then 100% of goals. Make it into something you can interact with and look at it like a game and a form of motivation.

I don’t know, for me I can do things in short bursts when I try and force myself to try move forward and I think the longest streak was when I was able to “hold myself accountable” for doing a certain amount of tasks in a day.

For me, a common thing that seems to help is to do something and “reward” myself if I make progress which seems to be a generally positive reinforcement to me.

So I guess try and frame it into a reward system to make yourself feel like you achieved something instead of a burden. I do not know if that is wrong or more harmful but maybe it can help?

I mean I am coming to terms that I have a little bit of everything while I learn about myself and the closest I got to a diagnosis was an unofficial one of ADHD, Depression and Anxiety

I don’t know if some of it is similar, but I can sort understand some of your experiences.

It is like the energy is focused on what is perceived as “important” and when you have time alone then there is a just a feeling of being drained and the body shuts down because of all that energy to maintain appearances.

I don’t know if there is an insecurity with maintaining appearances and without thinking putting in more energy into people than they deserve, but I can understand the feeling of giving work ( when I had work) more than it deserved.

That is a me thing and maybe it is relatable.

I can’t really offer any advice because I have been forced to just keep going without much quality involved working on improving and I have a lot of maladaption developed from that.

I do think the advice offered by others has merits though and hopefully you can find something that can lessen or at least help spread out the intensity of your concentration

I have only played the first chapter - old (out of 3, I believe)

Was also a very engaging game, had a very coming of age theme to it with a combat system that seemed simple but starts to show its depth once abilities get unlocked and you start to chain it.

I liked how the relationships felt more grounded and the story’s build up had, for me, more intrigue and mystery than most jrpgs

Only complaint, more like criticism, is it is a nightmare for people that feel the need to complete everything or realise that the npcs have different dialogues over time and feel compelled to make sure that everything is done before moving on. That can be a positive or negative depending on player though.

Despite the criticism, it did feel good to know I deserved and worked for the ending I got, even though I found out after I missed a few things

I would say depends on your preferences

By today’s standards, old 7 gameplay, graphics and story will seem dated.

I am unable to play the newer ones, but from what little I have seen it seems to “feel” better when you see and know characters from the original.

I have played and finished old ff7 and if you don’t mind reading everything, some grinding unless you are going to for the secret stuff ( which is heavy grinding) it should be a “smooth” experience once you get to grips with the game systems, graphics and gameplay - and yeah, It can feel difficult in the old one to get into but I found the payoffs were engaging, had moments of emotional resonance and generally felt satisfied by the end - but that is because I allowed myself to be engaged with the game world.

That is all up to personal taste, as I know there are games that have had a stronger effect on me, but I also understand why FF 7 is rated the way it is.