Really unlikely to be at Versus Fighting 11 this weekend; £300 hotel cost and low mental health are a really bad combo.
@FairlySadPanda
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Server Developer, CCP Games London. Spare time devoted mostly to VRChat world development.
That freedom is important. It is the only thing you have.
Once you go through this all once and then go back into it, you realize nothing can actually stop you. People go "omg no, talk to me" or "hey are you ok" but they never actually step in. They are never actually a friend who gets in the cab, so to speak. All your social ties are illusions and you in reality are totally and completely alone and free to do whatever you like.
And then the day ends, and there is something to fill the void, and maybe someone is on Discord and I can interact and talk and pretend to be a complete person for a few hours.
On some nights, when the voices get very shrill, I go pour very alcoholic drinks and numb out the screaming. And it works! And hopefully I pass out before the alcohol wears off. And in the morning there is sunshine and the daily standup and it does not matter that I don't meet my own eye in the mirror
Somewhat freeing to realize that by posting on a Masto thread about having to club myself over the head with alcohol to avoid other, more frowned upon forms of self harm, I am not going to wake up to "omg are you ok" or some shit
It is highly alcoholic turtles all the way down, Timmy
Timmy: FSP why are you drinking a badly-made pitcher of Long Island Ice Tea at 2am on a work night
FSP: Well Timmy, you see, when you feel _really hollow_, you stop caring about what is "sensible" and you start caring about smothering the screaming empty void with enough alcohol to obliterate all thought
Timmy: But FSP doesn't alcohol after the initial doping of blank nothingness actually trigger _more_ hollow emptiness?
FSP: That is what the rest of the pitcher is for, Timmy
Spent a lot of time in VRC this weekend. Might have drained my social batteries a bit too much... Plus a lot of my friends are in relationships now, so I am constantly a bit lonely. :/
New avatar outfit done! #vrchat