heres a riddle for you

i got in trouble for stealing today but i have a receipt so tell me how that makes any sense

well wine was on sale at one cvs but they ran out so i went to another cvs but it wasnt on sale there so i took it to the other location and bought it there

cops showed up after i paid so i got to keep the wine but they still trespassed me

jesus says i have to forgive them for that but i think i still get a freebee to trespass once against them first so ill keep yall updated

the worst part about getting into a car crash is that my phone always flies out of my hand and i have to search for it

someone should invent a phone case for driving with a wrist strap like the wiimotes

#dobetterapple

i tried to floss but my wife is too thick

#tfwyourwifeistoothicksoyoucantfloss

i have been speaking to cocacola about delivering the unmixed ingredients directly into American mouths and they have agreed to do so and id like to thank all those in authority at cocacola because this way the acidity wont break down the sucrose into fructose and glucose before you can even drink it

#thankyouforyourattentiontothismatter

SCIENTIST HELP NEEDED

i wasnt counting so i dont know how many ive flushed so far... if i replace my toilet does the count restart at 0 please answer fast my doctor said im not supposed to sit on the toilet for too long because of my hemroids (NOT buttstuff related)

CONFIDENCE doesnt come from within... you have to pursue it... its an ACHIEVEMENT

i achieved confidence by driving a big truck

achieve confidence by putting yourself in a #GMC today

PRO TIP

make all your pins and passwords be your wedding anniversary so you never forget what day to avoid your wife

#lifeprotips