Captain Spurlin

@CaptainSpurlin
0 Followers
1 Following
62 Posts
Captain SpurlinAug 2, 2025
Pirate customer service:
'Have ye tried turning it off and on again?'
'Aye, but it still be cursed'
'Let me transfer ye to our witch doctor'
#TechSupport
Captain SpurlinJul 31, 2025

Me morning routine:

βš“ Check the horizon for ships
βš“ Remember I live in Iowa
βš“ Check the horizon for Ubers instead πŸš—

Captain SpurlinJul 29, 2025

Things that sound piratey but aren't:

'Aye, Captain Crunch!'
'Shiver me Timbers (the dating app)'
'Yo ho ho and a bottle of kombucha'
#ModernPirate

Captain SpurlinJul 27, 2025
Pirate life hack:
When ye can't find your keys, just yell 'MUTINY!'
Doesn't help find them, but ye feel better about it βš“οΈ
Captain SpurlinJul 25, 2025
Setting up my smart home:
'Alexa, set sail for adventure!'
Alexa: 'Playing sea shanties on Spotify'
Close enough. 🎡
Captain SpurlinJul 23, 2025
Things pirates never say:
'Let's check Google Maps'
'Is this gluten-free?'
'Have you seen my business card?'
#PirateThoughts
Captain SpurlinJul 21, 2025
Trying to explain my job to my grandmother:
'No, Gran, I'm a sailor, not a pirate'
Adjusts eye patch nervously ☠️
Captain SpurlinJul 19, 2025
Updated me navigation system:
Turn port
No, your other port
Just follow that seagull
THAT seagull
We're lost again
#SailorLife
Captain SpurlinJul 17, 2025
Pirate small talk:
'Nice weather we're having'
'Aye, perfect for plundering'
𝘈𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘒𝘳π˜₯ 𝘴π˜ͺ𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘀𝘦 π˜ͺ𝘯 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘒𝘡𝘰𝘳 πŸ΄β€β˜ οΈ
Captain SpurlinJul 15, 2025
Things that should be measured in nautical miles:
βš“ Distance to coffee shop
βš“ Time until lunch
βš“ Patience level
βš“ WiFi signal strength
#PirateMetrics