9/11 was a terrible, horrible thing that shouldn't have happened. [holds for applause]

But have you ever thought...everything is bad and death is the ultimate cosmic benevolence? [bird site jerks off into their own mouths until they drown in ejaculate]

Hi, liberal heathens!

Worried about global warming? No worries! The Bible has the solution for you!

Just impale 7 members of the ruling class on a hilltop during the first days of harvest to the storm god of your choosing, and BOOM! No more global warming. (2 Samuel 21)

I'm an atheist - humanist Bible nerd.

I'm hanging out with religious family who talk freely about their version of Jesus, who is basically a former hippy turned boomer Reagan capitalist with superpowers.

I mention how I prefer the ancient storm god Yahweh from the Old Testament, who required the human sacrifice of seven members of the royal family impaled on a hill to reverse a 3-year-long famine, and suddenly I'M the inhumane asshole without respect?

I hate politics, but I research it and discuss it because it's vitally important. I live cats and cat videos, but I'm allergic to cats and can't own one right now.

But do you know what I love and will talk about forever?

How King David offered up 7 sons of Saul to be impaled in an open-air temple during harvest to appease the storm god Yahweh so he'd cease the 3-year-long famine that plagued Israel.

I will talk about human sacrifice in the Bible until I've lost all my friends & family.