@gme What I'm getting at though is that there are bigots out there that specifically work around that. They aren't openly disrespectful (to start with). They are simply "asking questions" and pushing a huge workload on to vulnerable folk to validate their rights to exist on their own terms. And then when the queer person has done that, they either shift goal posts or finally unleash the bigotry that they've been keeping in check.
Speaking as a trans person, I literally cannot count the amount of times I have done this exact dance with someone. Someone who appears to be open to genuine conversation, who gets a huge amount of emotional work from me, only to eventually make it clear that they were always bad faith.
I've assumed good intent most of my life, and though it pays off sometimes, all to often, it comes at a high cost. I've learned the hard way that "assume good intent" works when you're trying to defuse an argument about a topic that doesn't directly impact the lives of anyone involved in the discussion, but when it involves the basic rights of vulnerable folk, assuming that everyone is acting in good faith can get people hurt. Our caution is earned the hard way :\