I'm an atheist. I don't talk about it much because I was raised in a 6 generation deep southern baptist family on one side, and by the daughter of an eastern orthodox archpriest on the other.

My family is deeply religious.

My dad has a degree in theology, and taught the youth groups for most of my life. He sang in a gospel group with the word "faithful" in the name (which is where he met his second wife. #irony.)

But I left all that 10 years ago.

There are a lot of things that churches provide that I miss.

Don't get me wrong, I don't miss the bigotry and the abuse of power (which, at the end of the day, is like 80% of most churches)

But I miss the sense of family and community.

I miss having people I could rely on in a pinch. I miss feeling like the creator had a master plan. I miss the worship.

Let's talk about worship.

Worship services do weird things to your brain.

You know that feeling you get at a concert, when Alison Mosshart (or whoever you care about) looks out in to the audience and it feels like she's looking right in to your soul as she sings "baby says"? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfLcPYA3Nlk)

You know that feeling of oneness, stillness, that comes with losing yourself in that crowd? Singing along? Worshiping at the altar of rock?

Imagine getting that every week.

It's hella addictive.

You sing along, you take part, you listen to intelligent people deeply analyze and study and lecture and you feel like you're a part of something bigger than yourself.

Except that, I don't anymore. I had to go to a church service out of social obligation a few years ago, and I felt angry and uncomfortable the entire time.

I saw the tricks the charlatan was using, the gaps in logic, the propaganda. It made me sick.

On the way home, I followed out the arguments that the pastor had made to their logical extremes.

Out loud, to everyone.

I deconstructed the entire sermon down in to, essentially, "when bad things happen, it's god punishing you. Therefore, Obama is god punishing us."

The people in the car told me to shut up, and that I clearly wasn't "receptive" to the "word of god"