Chu 朱Jun 6

Talking to another parent yesterday and it seems we are among the last two holdouts giving our kids their own devices.

They have devices they can use but they aren't "theirs".

Some have smart phones already (age range 9-11). Many have smart watches.

When I voiced privacy concerns to other parents, I was made to feel like the bad guy for failing to protect my kids. They are the good parents for giving their kids the ability to call for help in case something happens on the way home. I live in the city and I'm pretty much at the furthest corner of our dense district at a whopping 800m from the school.

There's also the old Chinese saying, two actually I'd like to share. "Far away water can't save a near fire", and "close neighbours are better than far away relatives".

So my kids have an emergency on the walk home. What kind of community would I have to live in to feel like they can't scream for help or walk into the corner store for help?

This is all part of the erosion of society. Don't depend on your community. Give a subscription to tech bros to keep your children safe.

Friends, this is f'd. I should not need to depend on tech to guard my kids against a mythical threat when I should have neighbors and friends all around who contribute to the well being of all of us.

If your solution to safety is tech and not community building, your priorities are f'd and you're letting the tech bros eat what's left of your brain.

I hate when I'm made to feel like a bad parent for not caring about my children's safety.

Tech is not the path to child safety.

Show threadfritzoids

@chu

when my kids were in primary school (800m walk home) I had a discussion with another mother and she said she'd given her daughter a smartphone to protect her. When I asked "What from?" she answered "Pedophiles." And so I laughed and said "She's more likely to meet pedophiles on the internet with that phone than on the 5 minute walk home from school." That was not what she wanted to hear.

Jun 6 at 5:02pmWeb
Show threadChu 朱Jun 6

@fritzoids

Nobody likes the truth.

How is that phone supposed to protect her from pedos anyways. Use it as brick to throw at them?

Show threadfritzoidsJun 6

@chu

LOL

Now that my kids have phones to take to school (their passes for public transport are on there and sometimes teachers will open up the WiFi and let them do stuff and the secretaries are apparently hesitant to let kids use the landline to call parents when they need to), the most serious conversation I've had with them is to please not look at other people's screens... I remember Rotten dot com and I know that some kids like to shock others... so I've told them there are things you can't unsee and things that will cause nightmares for weeks.

We also have a rule that us parents know the passwords and will occasionally go through their messages. The phones are not to be taken to bed. The parental controls are set so there's a time-limit on the screen being on and on the apps that can be used.

Show threadChu 朱Jun 6

@fritzoids

And in all seriousness, the self protection I gave my daughter is martial art training since age 6. It was a top priority for me as I suffer from trauma, every woman I know suffers from trauma of one sort or another via harassment or assault. I started looking into martial art schools near us since the stroller days.

Just turned 11 and will likely do her black belt testing in December. She thankfully takes her training seriously. I was looking at some of the kicks the other day. She can break boards quite easily (she has to for tests) but I was thinking a bit more growing (she's physically small for 11) her speed and technique can probably break a rib pretty soon.

The reality is that by the time she calls for help, it'll be too late. How long does it take me to get there? She needs to down the guy and run to somewhere where people are who can help her. The phone is a false sense of security. Self defense will at least buy her time to run. And boy can she run. She's fast.

Show threadMike 🇬🇧 🇪🇺Jun 6
@chu @fritzoids
I admire you and your daughter for the martial arts.
However one thing I've learnt from 15 years of being a Tai Chi student (the nearest I've ever come to any martial art) is to avoid getting into 'situations' in the first place, to be aware of my surroundings, and be aware of other people's body language. Also to use others' momentum and movements against them.
Defence can be far more valuable than attack. I have absolutely no idea what any other martial art teaches, but these sound pretty sensible approaches to me.
Show threadChu 朱Jun 6

@MikeFromLFE @fritzoids

Agree in principle but also want to add that as women, our threats normally come from people we know in situations that start off non threatening. Random, on street violence is rare and not even the thing I'm honestly most afraid of.

I watched 8 de-escalate a situation in the playground last week. They know the basics of staying away from threats but every woman will tell you, those aren't the ones we fear most. It's the ones coming from trusted people when we least expect it and wished we kicked our way out of there. Had I landed my attacker in the ER, there would be no questions about whether or not I asked for it.

It was in what I thought was a safe space with someone I trusted. Those threat assessment techniques fail us because these people get there by perfecting a non threatening persona. And they are the nicest people to us, to kids, to everyone.

Show threadAccordionBruceJun 7

@chu @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids
This gets back to your original post about the parent trying to protect their child from abuse with a phone

Most abusers like you say, are someone the kid knows, a family member or friend

Who are we supposed to call when we were afraid to tell?

Teaching kids to defend and protect themselves, and that they have some adults that care for them no matter what happens

That seems like what will get them through

Show threadLyallJun 6
@MikeFromLFE @chu @fritzoids For the record, that's also what I was taught in Kung Fu. A big part of it was blocking, evasion, and breaking grips so you can get away. Part of the black belt grading (I watched) was to spend 5 minutes simply not being grappled by three guys.
Show threadChu 朱Jun 6

@LyallMorrison @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids

I watched my see hing do his level 10 wing chun test and the 10 minutes of defence was pretty incredible to watch.

I 100% agree. Defence is where it's at. But see my earlier comment to Mike. For us women, the randos aren't the threat. It's when trusted people have us in vulnerable situations and kicking our way out is all we got left.

Show threadKōtare Jun 6

@chu @LyallMorrison @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids i taught self defence for over a decade, and ensured my daughters got their blackbelt too. As someone with numerous blackbelts of my own i can say that the ultimate lesson is not how well you can kick (although that's a pretty cool skill) but what i'd describe as being physically confident in a space. It's situational awareness combined with an understanding of your own body. Dancers often have this btw.

I've broken up or intervened in several violent situations, not because I'm super tough (I'm not), and all without throwing a punch. I've defended myself and a few others by recognising the danger and acting in a way to either defuse or avoid it.

Twenty years of training so that i should never use it. Sounds cliche, i know, but i look at my board breaking, hip throwing daughters walking with confidence and think, yup, they're safer now.

Show threadChu 朱Jun 7

@jdmcg @LyallMorrison @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids

100%.

Don't disagree with any of that. I see it as a last resort. When a man you trust unexpectedly has you pinned down out of nowhere.... Those are the situations where women become most vulnerable and all those preventive measures go out the window.

I want them to be able to break a fight, to de-escalate, to run first.... I get it. It's when they can't.

And I am putting her in martial arts well aware of the trauma I carry and how I wished I knew how to kick and punch back then. I get it.

I get that the martial arts I am learning now (making up for lost time) is so I don't have to use it. But having been in a situation where I wish I had it, I can tell you this isn't about knowing what's coming and having any kind of awareness of my physical surroundings.

This is about betrayal. About men abusing their positions of authority. About men abusing their trusted positions in the community.

This isn't about preventing on any of our parts except for parents to not raise boys into power abusing assholes.

I see what my daughter can do now and I can only hope if these things ever happen to her she can get out. There was nothing I, or any of my fellow victims ever did wrong. We shouldn't have been expected to "know" or not be in a place we thought we were supposed to be and thought was safe.

I did get out of my situation with one strong kick. I wasn't trained at the time though. And my biggest regret in life is that I didn't do it hard enough to put him in the ER. Because for over a decade the talk was non stop about how much of it was my fault or asking for it. Had I landed him a broken bone, I don't think that would have been asked. How much of this was my fault since he was a married man. Sorry. My trauma is coming out.

So please stop telling me about how much martial arts is about prevention. I get it. I have been training for a few years now with the kids and I get it.

There's no amount of prevention we can do in some situations. All we can hope for is to kick and punch our way out. I too hope she doesn't need this. But I'm glad she's got it.

Show threadKōtare Jun 7

@chu @LyallMorrison @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids good on you.

And believe me, I've taught hundreds how to kick, elbow, bite, gouge, throw, break and otherwise, under pressure and against larger opponents. If i didn't think those skills might sometimes be needed, i wouldn't have bothered. Some of my students came with trauma, many with fear. They taught me a great deal i would never have understood otherwise.

So yeah. Kick ass.

Show threadChu 朱Jun 7

@jdmcg @LyallMorrison @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids

I replayed the scene many times in my head. I wish I kicked here or there or did a knife strike to the neck. I didn't have any of those skills then. Only a messy kick to the shins a push, some slapping probably and running.

The trauma will never go away. I literally started scoping martial arts schools before she could even walk. I have no other solution other than to give her the skills I wish I had at that moment I hope she will never experience.

Every move I watch her do I think "could that get him off of her? Was that enough to knock him down for her to run?"

None of this is healthy I know.

Show threadcwicseolfor16h ago

@chu @jdmcg @LyallMorrison @MikeFromLFE @fritzoids The situation, the circumstances and culture, are unhealthy. You’re responding exactly the way any human would, after not just the initial trauma of it happening but the massive fractal compounding trauma of so many people *blaming the victim* for the assault - and saying in not so many words that they wouldn’t support your (or anyone’s) children, either.

(Also, editing, sorry to necropost, I only just spotted the date.)