I get the snark, but "page has to load in x time on expensive device in expensive city"... where is the human? Your audience isn't a phone.
I know I've said this a lot, but I think about the NHS digital design standards all the time, about that presentation where their lead designer talked about finding agent strings for devices like the Playstation Vita and Opera for the Nintendo DS in their logs. About how the NHS site had to work for those people too, no matter what.