pulls the whole roll out of the tube

“You’re not going to slice it?”

bites into the whole thing like a corndog

That’s silly. That would be Cookiedoughella, not Salmonella.
Amazingly, all it would take for America to have safe-to-eat Connie dough would be to stop pressure washing the fucking eggs. Does America love pressure-washing eggs more than eating cookie dough? Seems so!
Its the raw flour too.

The guidance on this changed in recent years: https://www.food-safety.com/articles/9668-ukhsa-conducts-first-investigation-of-salmonella-stec-risks-associated-with-uk-raw-flour-products

My mum used to let me eat raw cake batter out of the bowl, because it was safe in the UK. Maybe it wasn’t as safe as she thought, and I just lucked into never getting salmonella 😬

UKHSA Conducts First Investigation of Salmonella, STEC Risks Associated With UK Raw Flour Products

A recent survey of raw flour and flour-based foods conducted by the UK Health Security Agency (UKHSA) found a low incidence of Salmonella and Shiga toxin-producing Escherichia coli (STEC) among sampled products. Whole genome sequencing revealed a link between a Salmonella isolate from a sample and a human illness.

In fact it’s almost entirely the flour. Raw eggs are pretty safe these days
Pillsbury now sells edible raw cookie dough. (That’s safe to eat, I mean)