I'm really having struggles with "I'm not broken". I think that if I hadn't been bombarded with hellfire queerphobic abstinence-only bullshit, and more, I would more likely be sexual. Feeds into anxiety and germophobia.

I feel like, "maybe I'm broken, but it's not my fault", works for me personally. Also we're all broken in some ways. And even if it was my fault, eh, kinda whatever.

But maybe being made to feel like I'm broken, is what people say to try to get in my pants. So maybe I'm not broken. Or am, but it's trust issues.

Am I overthinking it? idk.

atm I'm sex-averse, maybe sex repulsed, kinky, & somewhere on the ace spectrum. kinksexual?

I feel like I just wanna really heavily cuddle all the places that would lead sexual folks to sex, but I'm afraid of it leading to sex.

At puberty I started as just gay. Then discovered I was attracted to animals (maybe moreso than humans). Then discovered furry. Then discovered that I might be trans. Then would've fucked, but was scared I'd get kicked out of my parents house if I got an STD/STI. Then spent a decade in a relationship with someone that I loved but didn't want to have sex with. (There's a sign I'm ace.) (I fucked my hand a lot, and plushies and pooltoys.) Then spent over a decade wrestling with transness. Now 9 months on estrogen, 2-ish weeks on progesterone. 6 or 7 months with a trans woman, once again, not fucking. (There's a sign I'm ace.)

I really loved being with a cis male friend, who treated me like a woman, earlier this year. Maybe I'm gonna be a really horny sexual straight trans woman. Maybe not, maybe I'll stay close to how I am right now.

I enjoy being sexy, but I don't fuck, and I feel like I'm "wasting" time & this sexy body.

But I have a habit of obliging myself to things like this. Bipolarly I do the opposite, fuck what society says.

At this point, I'll just go with my own flow.

I just wanted to journal.

#InternationalAsexualityDay