Come on, Hasbro, you’re a toy company! If there’s any company on Earth that should still be using paper for everything, it’s toy companies. Hell, we should pass a law. Toy companies are prohibited from using computers in any part of their business operations. For online sales, they can sell to distributors who will then sell online. But toy companies themselves must be entirely analog. Everything on paper. We’re not even going to allow photocopiers. They can use pre-electric printing presses, but nothing that can’t be powered by a simple crank. And I better not see someone writing with a plastic pen! Fountain pens or feathers. Those are your choices.

Let’s make toy companies actually look like Santa’s workshop, or the kind of business someone working as a whimsical mall santa would hope to one day open.

Also, I would like to propose applying a tax to the sale of video games, Lego, plastic dolls and action figures, and any other toy or novelty that came into being after the year 1950. This modest tax will be used to subsidize the price of old timey wooden and cloth toys. The cheapest toy available should be a wooden truck or train set and hand-made cloth dolls and stuffed animals. Let’s make Christmas hand-crafted again!