Wendy

WIBTA if I decide to break up with my boyfriend instead of staying by his side?

https://thelemmy.club/post/46843249

WIBTA if I decide to break up with my boyfriend instead of staying by his side? - The Lemmy Club

I (22F) honestly don’t know whether or not I’m going to break up, I’m still deciding. But I’m poly and have this fiancée Aiko (23F), but I also have this one boyfriend Will (23NB, he/they). Will is obsessed with his boyfriend Dave (26M) and will constantly spam him and text him many times a day. He will also have deep discussions with him, according to Will, but will only have surface-level conversations with me. People have also commented before that it sounds like a friends-with-benefits situation, and he claims to love me and all that stuff and kisses me whenever we meet or see each other in a therapy group for people in their 20s, but aside from that, we don’t even really see each other and he’s always making excuses/reasons to cancel plans due to his depression or business, or just not feeling like it. He said he was sorry, but he keeps doing it, and I guess I just wanna prove that I can take it like an adult and be by his side even when times are rough and be the “best”, most loyal girlfriend I can be for him, but I don’t really know. AITA?

Mar 31 at 9:58pmWeb
Show threadagentphelps1d ago

NTA. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘prove you can take it like an adult’. That’s not a quality of being a responsible adult. You’re not married to him. It sounds more like you’re valuing his feelings over your own. You’ve done the adult thing by communicating with him about the matter, and he’s not doing the adult thing by making excuses and repeating the behavior.

Perhaps there’s also a sunk cost fallacy at play in which you feel that if you end it now then it will have been a waste of time. That’s quite common, but a relationship isn’t the amount of the time spent. It’s about the time shared with them.

Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel respected, heard? Or is there tension, things unspoken, passive aggressive behaviour? You’re under no obligation to put up with anyone for any reason, especially at 22.

And slightly off topic, may I add—something I’d advise to anyone your age—don’t get married. Obviously, I don’t know you or your fiancée (I’m sure they’re lovely). And sure, some unions made at ages even younger than 22 last a lifetime, but don’t do it. At 22 you don’t realize how young you still are and how long life is. How much you and your partner will change. It may seem condescending, I don’t mean it to be. I say this because I’ve never met a single person who by the age of thirty doesn’t look back at themselves at that age and say “my God, I was still a kid.” Reflect on who you were at 15 years old, and imagine getting married then.

I recommend either living with them a while, or if you like traveling, backpack Europe together or take a road trip (whatever’s feasible for you). Maybe you’ve already done this. If so, great. Maybe you go traveling and it doesn’t go so well. This doesn’t mean you should break up with them either. It’s not pass or fail. But it serves as a crucible with which to learn more about yourselves. Maybe if I saw the special thing you both have together I’d rethink this tangent. I can’t say. Best of luck in either regard.

Show threadWendy1d ago
Thanks, I understand. I will definitely plan to spend long period with Aiko in the near future :)
Show threadagentphelps5h ago

I’d like to apologize for getting carried away re: getting married so young. You shouldn’t take prescriptive advice from a random Internet stranger, more so when it’s unsolicited.

Rereading your post, the thing that sticks out is the discrepancy between what he claims and what you feel.

He says he loves you, but you feel like an afterthought. Just based on what you wrote it sounds like he’s stringing you along while getting exactly what he wants out of the relationship.

My concern is that if you aren’t the one to end it, then inevitably he will. How would you feel then? Hope to hear an update.

Show threadhperrin19h ago
NTA. I feel like this is just neutral. No assholes here. If he’s not giving you what you want, you can try talking to him about it. That’s your choice though. You can also just break up.
Show threadJigglySackles2h ago
NAH, it sounds like a fine friend relationship, but nothing deeper. It’s OK to love someone and not be in a close relationship. Just close that door and go on.