𝔳𝔢𝔩𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔱𝔦𝔰How to stop a parent from jumping into the nearest religious rabbit-hole to cope with a divorce?
One of my core values is that people get to decide for themselves what to believe. And it sounds a whole lot like you’re disrespecting your parent’s agency.
Imagine the thread: My son is talking like an atheist, how do I make them change?
I’d gladly take them to church if that was all it was. But aside from wanting me to attend they bring the sermon into every conversation to the point where we can barely talk anymore. I’ve suggested seeking support even at the church if they don’t want a therapist, but they’d rather just lecture about the sinfulness of watching TV or how they regret not forcing me to attend church every week. I thought religion is a personal relationship with the deity in question? Why drag in people who don’t want to be involved in it?
So…is this about how her religious beliefs are affecting HER life?
Or is it more about how her religious beliefs are affecting your relationship with her?
It’s the 2nd one, I’m not trying to take away her source of spiritual relief or anything - but to make it really simple, it’s no longer “I love God and live by his teachings” but unprompted “You’ll burn in hell for not loving God, you believe in nothing and God will make you pay” kind of lectures for like 2 hours. Surely that’s cause for concern considering I have to talk to her everyday?
If the relationship is worth salvaging, you can meet her halfway. It will take a LOT of work on your part. A lot of compromise. You’ll probably end up feeling suffocated and you’ll probably lie to her a lot, to make her feel better.
“Mom, I want to do better by you. I want you to be proud of me. I’m not saying I believe everything in the Bible, but I want to ask you some things. About sin and God. I’m not promising to change, but I promise to keep an open mind.”
Something like that. Then, for topic, ask her to describe a situation where she felt sinful, and exactly what she did to avoid it.
Basically, you are putting her in a position to be a mentor but ONLY if she shows vulnerability and shares with you her weaknesses. This changes the dynamic of your relationship, puts you on equal footing. Now she is a sinner too.
Most likely, if she takes the bait, she will tell you about a very small sin. “Oh, I wanted to slap that cashier, but I prayed and God took all the violence away from me.”
Start picking away, theologically speaking. “So…did you actually sin? Is just thinking about something a sin? Is that really the worst thought you’ve ever had? Have you ever actually sinned, like in real life?” Make it seem like you understand nothing about how sin really works. Encourage her to give personal examples.
Of course, the conversation might go a totally different direction. Just take it where it goes. Never escalate, always treat her with respect when talking about religion. At any point, when you’ve hit a brick wall, just stop.
Wait for her to finish talking. Look thoughtful. Meet her eyes. Open your mouth to speak and then close it. Pause again. Then say “I need to think about that. And maybe read…” Walk out of the room. Pop your head back in. Say “Thank you Mom, for taking me seriously.”
It’s worth noting that I moved out of my parents’ house as soon as I graduated high school to get away from bullshit like this. In the long run, I might have been happier to find a compromise and learn to live with my mom’s nut beliefs and self-righteousness. Best of luck!