Breaking: All Of World’s Problems Solved Overnight While You Were Sleeping

NEW YORK—In a string of overwhelming and unexpected successes, all of the world’s problems, from hunger to disease to war, were reportedly solved while you slept, with each lingering trace of human suffering having been eliminated by the time you awoke Friday. According to sources, as you lay quietly dreaming in bed, experts from every nation on earth worked tirelessly to end the many crises plaguing society, among them global poverty, ethnic strife, the climate catastrophe, bigotry, and all forms of systemic inequity. Reports confirmed that it was not only matters of urgent, universal importance that were addressed during the seven hours in which you slept but also the slight inconveniences and daily headaches endured by the world’s 7.9 billion people: Potholes were filled in, slow internet connections were sped up, commutes were shortened, and small misunderstanding between neighbors were completely sorted out. Sources went on to report that, due a minor oversight that also occurred as you slumbered, your student loans must still be repaid in full and are now subject to a highly predatory ballooning interest rate.