Cis people sometimes demand #trans people rigourously define what "gender" means and explain what drives us to embody a gender other than the one assigned to us at birth. If we can't do that, they say, how can they believe us?
But trans people shouldn't have to be philosophers and psychologists all wrapped up into one to have our experiences believed. 1/
Truth is I don't know. Gender seems a complicated, vague concept to me, and I don't know why I feel the need to be a woman. It wasn't intentional. I never experienced any great internal revelation or certainty.
Nonetheless, evidentially, I am happier and more well-balanced as a woman. Even despite the transphobia I experience.
2/
I don't generally "feel like a woman". I feel like me.
But, like, do you understand that for decades before I transitioned I was fantasising about, pining for, the idea of having a female body, of being recognised as a woman, going thru life as one?
I tried to stoically accept that I was a man, I tried to embrace non-traditional masculinity, I tried everything to make this need go away. It didn't.
So I have to conclude, this is something real.
3/
And then, having run out of other options, I finally tried the things I had ruled out previously as too scary, the things that would bring judgment down on me.
I tried transition. Tho at the time I hadn't even realised myself as a woman.
I was shit scared. I did it anyway.
4/
I tried painting my nails. It brought me happiness. I tried feminine accessories. They brought comfort. I tried shaving my body hair. It felt calming.
I started dressing in femme clothes, around the house. It felt exciting at first, then just... right.
And then I went on hormones. And everything accelerated. My body itself began to feel like a home, like a friend. I hadn't realised how much or how long I had been suffering, because it had just felt normal.
5/
This is fact: transitioning to be more female in body, more feminine in presentation, and taking on a female-coded social role, made me feel vastly better in myself.
I know this is true of me, and many like me. And the experiences of transmasculine people in the other direction inform me that it's not as simple as womanhood just being better for everyone. It was something about me.
6/
That's it. That's what I've got. Just my experience.
No grand theory that explains everything, no intellectual justification. I can't explain this any more than you can.
But my experience is real. And I cannot stand by if you're going to "debate" the reality of it.
I exist. I'm right here. Look at me.
Fin/
After all this, after all your journey, your questions, your answers... Why should I as some random cis person tell you who you are?? You're clearly the expert on yourself, how much audacity would I need to conjure??
Bonus fun fact: even at the beginning of their journey, people are more the expert on themselves than we can ever be. Accept their judgement!
Tattie
CJ