In a fight for my relationship. We stumbled into a relationship after a mishap that got her pregnant. I only noticed when she got a belly showing at 5 months as she had not told me and assumed I would leave her the second I knew. She had already decided to have it with or without me.

Proceeded to have another two kids while she slowly but surely withdrew from any partnership activity. Learned after ten years of wondering what’s holding her back that she is the anxious avoidant relationship type and due to her forcing herself to have very infrequent sex with me anyways, she picked up a sexual aversion up along the way.

Apologized for my role in that, I obviously noticed her lack of enthusiasm but didn’t think much of it as she offered infrequent but of her own volition. I asked her to go to therapy either alone or as a couple but she refuses. We live together while being officially separated.

I love her and am not interested in anybody else while she claims I should just find somebody else while getting very aggressive when the opportunity presents itself. (I obviously don’t partake)

Shit gets dark and lonely regularly, she can’t even hold me in her arms. The kids love obviously helps but it’s not the same.

As people of that relationship type do, she drifts from flirty and nice to being angry and hurting me with the intention of keeping me at a distance within weeks, sometimes days.

I bought a book that opened my eyes, which pretty much reads like our diary. Put it in the living room and told her about it. She won’t even touch it nor acknowledge that she has a problem. Obviously its a problem for me not for her that she decided to never have a relationship or sex ever in her life again.

I mourn the years I lose while waiting for her to find back to the woman I though I had met. I regret that my children have a steady home but no good example how a healthy relationship looks and I fear that this might last until my kids are all moved out and I’m about 60 and decide to give love up myself for good.

For various reasons leaving is not an option I’m willing to choose. Mainly because I have a responsibility to my children and my wife not to abandon them even if she has psychological trauma she needs to process. (Both parents not being available emotionally at all and growing up with an alcoholic step father and lots of violence in her home.) There is also a small chance that my wife might hurt the kids if I’m not there to intervene, has happened before in small ways which she denies obviously.

As long as I fight for this home daily and keep everything stable everybody is happy but me. Its hard and has already taken a toll on my health, but I keep fighting the good fight and hope one day life will be bright again.

So I am just some internet stranger without full context - but I gotta say… the way you describe it, it sounds like you should break it off. To review:

• Started the relationship by accident
• Had 2 more kids even though she didn’t want to have sex with you
• She refuses to go to therapy
• The two of you are officially separated
• She tells you to find someone else
• She has a history of being violent/aggressive with you and your kids
• She has stated she never wants a relationship or sex again
• Your kids are losing out on the opportunity to see a healthy relationship
• You fear this state of affairs will last the rest of your life
• You fear she will hurt your kids
• You are not happy

Again, I am an internet stranger working without full context. But I would say you should lawyer up, completely split up and move out, and move on with your life. Get the lawyer to figure out the best way to ensure custody of your kids beforehand, then give her an ultimatum - get help, or you are leaving and either taking the kids or going to court to take as much guardianship as possible.

I’m not saying she has no redeeming qualities or that the time the two of you shared wasn’t special. But it sounds like she can be mean, aggressive, and possibly violent, like she doesn’t consider herself to be in a relationship with you and doesn’t want to, and that she is unwilling to try to change and probably won’t. And this state of affairs is having a negative impact on both you and your kids.

Meanwhile, by sticking with her, you are giving up the opportunity to find someone else who does want to be in a relationship with you, who can model a healthy relationship, and who will make you happy.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Your argumentation is correct, no doubt about it.

If its about making kids she is all over sex. Avoiding sex is about avoiding emotionally bonding to be to avoid being hurt.

She is most of the time an exceptionally loving mother and the kids love her as much as I do. Our kids need both parents in their life and making that decision would hurt my kids and the woman I love. I have always said, that the day our kids lives are more impacted by my staying than leaving (because of ongoing conflict) I would leave.

Pressuring her won’t solve this conflict sadly. People only chance through their own volition which makes this tricky as she has no real incentive to change.

Im also the sole breadwinner and although I earn good money, the local cost of living is too high to keep my kids lives strable if I need to finance separate accommodations. They would need to move and change schools and friends and I’m not willing to go there just for my well being.

Trying to “take the kids” is also a gamble. Even a progressive country like Germany seldomly awards full custody to a man. And again I’m not willing to hurt her or the kids by separating them from their mother.

Its mostly a stable and safe life for my kids. Her refusal might change, or might not. But considering all the things as they are, separation would hurt all the people I love including myself.

I have recently tried looking for therapy for myself to help with coping with all this and I’m waiting for what life throws at me next.

My situation is similar.

My partner just treats me so poorly I’ve long since lost a romantic attachment to her.

However, we have 2 young children, and my partners employment prospects aren’t great. We can’t afford 2 houses. As in we would share custody and i would pay her whatever was required, but no matter how you slice it the same income has to pay for 2 houses instead of one.

For the time being i just have to carry on.

Yes, my kids dont see a “happy loving relationship” but they dont really see an abusive one, just a miserable one maybe.

IDK if we’re super “successful” co-parents but we are at least an effective team i think.