I know it's the same pattern I had with the fest a few months back. like I wanna do it bc I wanna help, so that is the motivation why I will be there, but I also think about how my intense year and a half doing photography work led to me not wanting to pick up a camera/dreading it

like one gig for someone who deserves the work that's done well is one thing, and it's not what burned me out before, my own stupidity and intensity and wanting to get away from day job did. so I am prepped and ready and I obviously will bring my best attitude and do the best work I can. but I really don't like this doomed/dread feeling that I've got inside my head now

tbf this will probably be the last gig I will do for a long while, if not forever

I think doing something for someone who has achieved organising something like this is a really nice way to go out of photography forever. I was thinking about it a lot and I think that is the right way to go

it's a cleaner way to break out of something than I used to love than how I ended it abruptly before. go help, go make it useful, then put the camera down for 10, 20 years, forever if I need to 😊

I had lots of fun shooting today - I felt accomplished, which did make me question, what would happen if I tested this under normal circumstances not overbooking and editing without sleep, cause maybe I did go from "this is fun" to martyrdom and then burnout because of my own chosen behaviour. but it also feels foolish to overlook the reality of the situation. so we leave this door open, I won't be actively searching for stuff to do, and I think that's okay now 💖