Dino BelboThanks to (then undiagnosed) #autism and a very shitty childhood, now I need periodic reassurance that I belong, or otherwise I'll get in my head. For that reason, it's almost impossible for me to join a group or go to an event without being invited by someone from the inside. Very frustrating, considering that I haven't found my niche yet and don't have contacts inside most things (example from today: puppy play meetups).
To make it even worse, I've got more than a couple "Of course I'll take you to [event] and introduce you" that never actually happened. That doesn't help stave off my fear of rejection!
I've been repeating the same things to almost everyone I know and that nearly alienated some of them (after all, they didn't deserve all my negativity) and it's as if I'm making random acquaintances pay for my shitty childhood instead of the real culprits.
But then... my grandparents are dead, I have no way of destroying the Catholic church and my primary/middle/high school bullies have already been punished by marriages and children and aging (and have mostly become good people to be fair).
My partner didn't help either because he gave me a very hard time when he was depressed and completely destroyed my confidence. Which means that for a few years I was unable to pursue my own interests and take my own spaces for fear of upsetting him. He's broadly supportive now, but whenever he sees me having a hard time, instead of helping he will get stressed and defensive (and aggressive too sometimes).