ZANitebug
Piggleston PecanpantsAs someone neurodivergent the hardest lesson I've had to learn in my adult life is: virtually no one wants to be called on their shit. If someone wrongs you and you confront them with this then you are the problem. It makes people really angry to be confronted by their bad behavior so naturally, you are the problem, not their bad behavior. If you simply kept your pie hole shut then everything would be fine. It's a hard lesson for a neurodivergent to understand, let alone learn.#neurodivergent
⁂ Fish Id Wardrobe@LilPecan also: even if they regret their actions, no-one (or almost no-one) wants to apologise. they might try to make up for it, but actually saying sorry? no.
@fishidwardrobe If they apologize that's admitting they are wrong, which, of course, they aren't because we are obviously the problem.
@LilPecan sometimes yes. sometimes it's, they know THEY were in the wrong, but it's too hard to admit it out loud.
Looking for explanations…It’s about boundaries. I found this an awfully difficult lesson.
Pointing out to someone any more than how they have impacted me or another person in my care is an overstepping of the boundary, unless they too are in my care (my own child, a student) & even then, its tricky.
Working out what they did & what they need to do about it, including how they might need to change their behaviour in future, is their responsibility.
Working it out for themselves will (hopefully, eventually) give them the confidence they need to deal with other issues.
Having the situation & solution handed to them is disempowering & can be humiliating. They are more likely to feel judged, shamed, & are more likely to be defensive, resentful & resistant as a result.
Not stepping in when it all seems obvious can be frustrating. (Which might be an ADHD thing, impatience.) But that frustration really is our problem.
And what I’ve said is a perfect example of me responding to the situation, rather than your feelings about it. That’s the sort of thing that results in us being accused of having insufficient empathy.
@Susan60 It's alright. I appreciate your perspective. I understand what you're saying.
I was speaking about times people have clearly done me wrong and I have spoken up in my defense, in order to not be trampled upon. Even when approached with delicacy, it hasn't worked out for me. It gets turned against me. It makes me an easy door mat for others.
I was speaking about times people have clearly done me wrong and I have spoken up in my defense, in order to not be trampled upon. Even when approached with delicacy, it hasn't worked out for me. It gets turned against me. It makes me an easy door mat for others.
I’m sorry to read that. I’m rather tall, & can usually summon my stern term teacher look & voice when needed. (Masking!)
But I’ve made the mistakes I mentioned on multiple occasions.
@Susan60 I'm not sure how to prevent it but now, when people do me wrong, I tend to pull my friendship away from them. I don't get defensive or say anything. I just do my best to stay away from them. When in forced proximity, I am polite but no more. I think this gives them food for thought more than anything.
For me it depends on who they are & the value of our relationship.
I like to try to clear up misunderstandings & resolve conflicts, but it is risky and can result in more pain.