olena

…First, you spend your whole life hiding your emotions, your pain, your frustration because each time you let yourself show it - you hurt their feelings, and you care for them and don’t want them to be hurt.

Then, they throw into your face accusations of being emotionless heartless cold inhumane creature when you don’t let them see your soul burning inside when they spit something hurtful at you. Or tell you that you don’t understand their difficulties because it has been so easy for you.

And you just mute yourself again because you can’t let yourself crumble
And you put on that fucking smile
“Oh yeah, so easy, must be gifted”

And while your soul screams at you that this is unfair, when your mind tells you this is unhealthy, when all your self-education in psychology (which you did since adolescence in order to deal with yourself and the world around) tells you to stop masking - the immense shame and all of the love you still have make you to shut the fuck up and keep that smiling pokerface…

@autistics

Mar 18 at 10:03amWeb
Show threadKevin DavyMar 18
@olena @autistics
Not helped by the times you have opened up and been met by indifference, confusion or a flat out refusal to accept that your reaction could, in any way, be valid, real or coming from a genuine place.
Bottling it up inside us becomes the path of least resistance and in so many ways the only way we have to make our way through the world. Especially if we ourselves do not understand why we react and feel the way we do, or have any access to being able to explain it, even if only to ourselves.