Amsterdam kitchens are tiny, partly because most Dutch food is made on the floor, using an axe, a cudgel and a spade, which is used to scoop the meal into the pan. The work surfaces are just big enough for two drinks, a bowl of peanuts and the New Testament.

Restricted space also makes it easier to corner rats, mice and other edible vermin, which are skewered on sticks and roasted over an open fire, after which they are covered with a peanut-butter sauce we claim originated in the former Dutch colonies, but they have repeatedly denied any involvement.

Despite being one of the tallest nations on earth, the Dutch are terribly insecure when it comes to cooking, which is why one of our favourite festive pastimes involves the use of tiny cooking utensils that make us feel like culinary giants. This tradition is laughably known as "gourmetten".