da_cow (she/her)Mar 10

Got my first stares today

https://feddit.org/post/26910233

Got my first stares today - feddit.org

So, as you probably all know, last Sunday was the international womens day. To celebrate some people organized a “no mens” party (everyone was welcome except men). So I got all dressed up (wore a very cozy wool pullover, a skirt and some leggings), did some makeup and went there, since I was helping out at the bar. Another thing I should is, that I am just 3 months into HRT and therefore am not anywhere near passing (especially since I am very tall and have quite a deep voice). Since we were two people at the bar and there werent that many people I quickly went to get some food. So I went to the next “restaurant”, ordered and sat down to wait. this place was focused on “takeaway food” and is therefore quite small. There was this one man, that sat there with a glass of beer in a hand and this motherfucker did not even try to hide, that he was staring at me. He literally turned his head whenever I moved. I guess it wasnt in a sexual way, but I guess he has never seen a “man” wear a skirt and leggings. He did not do anything else, but I was never so glad I could leave a place.

Show threaddandelion (she/her)Mar 10

yes, early in transition I got lots of aggressive stares from men. Usually the men who did this were older. I noticed the younger men who would aggressively stare were usually hyper-masculine. It was definitely a minority of men, “not all men, but always men” comes to mind here.

I never really figured out why they stared at me; it didn’t necessarily feel like an obvious intimidation tactic, even though it was obviously very intimidating. Maybe that’s all it is, but I sorta wish I figured out what was in their head as they stared.

Definitely be safe out there, maybe make sure to start going out with friends and other women, and esp. be careful with bathrooms. Might be good to know where there are safe unisex bathrooms you can use, for example.

In general it’s good to remember people will still think you’re a man based on how you look and sound, and they will react to you that way, so early transition might not be the best time to go into women-only spaces unless you want to deal with the resulting drama and fallout from people feeling that a man is invading that space. During that time I found it helpful to be invited into those spaces by other women, and to navigate women-only spaces with women there with me who can vouch for me.

Personally this period of transition was when I felt like feminization was literally a survival strategy for me, so this was when I started really investing in getting good at makeup, fashion, hair care, etc.

Also, voice training should be a top priority as well (if your goal is to look, sound, and live as a woman, etc.).

EDIT: I know it’s a lot, but it does get better the further in your transition you go. I’m sorry for these experiences, I really don’t know what’s wrong with people.

Show threadcalliopeMar 10

I never really figured out why they stared at me; it didn’t necessarily feel like an obvious intimidation tactic, even though it was obviously very intimidating. Maybe that’s all it is, but I sorta wish I figured out what was in their head as they stared.

Honestly, sometimes they might be dumb as shit and they don’t necessarily know they’re staring. Or that they shouldn’t be obviously staring.

The Venn diagram of hyper-masculine men and very stupid men approaches a circle.

Show threaddandelion (she/her)

Hm, maybe - though I’m more inclined to think they just don’t have appropriate social shame (i.e. they’re socially “dumb” or less considerate). Maybe transgressing social norms by appearing as “a man in a dress” pushes them to feel like they have a moral license to violate social politeness norms by staring? I’ve noticed even transphobic women don’t tend to stare, which makes me wonder why - maybe women are just more polite / less likely to violate social norms?

I still can’t disambiguate the reason for the staring, though - it doesn’t feel like neutral curiosity, there is an intimidating or hostile component to the staring, but that never felt like a full or complete explanation. Something always felt weirdly sexual about it, but not that they were sexually interested, which makes it hard for me to pinpoint the vibe exactly.

Mar 10 at 8:54pmWeb
Show threadapplebuschMar 11
I kind of get the feeling that they’re seeing us as sexual objects that the rules don’t apply to, so they might be able to do whatever they want to us without consequence. One of those things is violating social norms by staring excessively, so even if they’re not really interested sexually they might take advantage of what they see as free real estate. Idk it definitely feels like a precursor to a really bad time.