Trailer: "The Incredible Lou Ferrigno"

lol

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I did not watch last week's movie so it's very nice of them to show all the effects set pieces from it at the top of this movie

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✅ maiden turned into steam engine

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dialogue is occurring

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technically it was a Bechdel pass, though? so that's… something.

there's plenty of runtime left for the male gaze

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Yea, about that. You gonna have any Hercules in your Hercules movie?

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Retrieve my seven thunderbolds of exposition, Hercules!

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As far as 80s slo-mo goes, I've seen worse.

I've also seen better.

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okay I would say that it's kind of fast for him to find one of Zeus's thunderbolts, but there ARE seven of them, so I guess we need to be in a rush here

maybe having it just randomly show up the second he gets to Earth is a little under-cooked, though.

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okay the dripping blood onto the skeleton is a pretty cool set piece

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"who awakens me?!"

brother you were DEAD why is that your first question

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The Slime People

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"this is a very dangerous region"

[smash cut to moss-covered turtle statue]

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love getting flash-banged with a retro computer startup flashing screen every time Hercules throws a punch

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"they look real"

sir you JUST met this woman

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[rotoscoping continues]

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"who art thou"
"I sha'nt be long"

what is this, a youtuber's novel?

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This is a real paint-by-numbers affair, huh?

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pew
pew pew

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Real "Quantity has a quality all its own"-ass movie we got going here, with how undercooked every single bit of action is so far

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okay why would the moon falling kill the gods tho

you've explicitly *shown* us they live way up in space???

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the LAST daughter of [whatever]?

um, well, that kinda takes the drama out of the earlier prediction that Urania would be the next sacrifice, if she was literally the only choice

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it's fine, Hercules punched the monster of pure energy and it exploded

also, a thunderbolt was located. apparently.

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I mean like, I do get it, you defeat a monster, you get a bolt

but the bolt is where the monster died isn't it?

maybe Zeus is just gonna reach down and grab it

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this Zeus isn't very convincing. very patriarchal and actually-concerned, and not even the slightest bit "I will fuck anything with a consciousness and several things without"

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okay the score is bringing me back in this bit's aight

I suppose it won't last, we need to get back to boring bullshit soon

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Urania is absolutely tripping on that potion

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character in the movie *also* being jump-scared by the bad editing-room effects

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happy International Women's Day

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yay, that shot looking up at Hercules's chest is enough for me to tick off "Gratuitous Muscle Scot"

Cool electric net, too

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"rise and let your burning flesh melt together"

okay, okay, I'm up already

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I'm having a real "Blindsight scramblers" moment over here

"who [was it]?"
"yes, while fighting the Amazons"
[proceeds as if this is in any way an answer]

these characters react as if they understand language, but I'm not entirely convinced

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anyway, let's have our hero choke a woman to death with no setup

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WHY IS DAEDALUS A GOD
WHY IS DAEDALUS A WOMAN
WHY DOES DAEDALUS HAVE A CODPIE—okay wait actually I can answer both of those questions with the same answer

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this movie is failing to inspire much direct interest in me so I guess since I'm already thinkin about Daedalus I'll share a bit of snooplore:

I know the myth of Daedalus mostly because of Deus Ex, because I found the character of the same name to be so compelling (not that they're a deep character, mind)

thanks, Warren Spector et al.

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what the fuck is going on

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