🅰🅻🅸🅲🅴 (🌈🦄)Feb 4

Recently, I was thinking about why men¹ talk over women, and I think it's less a gender thing, and more of a...

"men¹ are taught to talk over anyone who doesn't talk more assertively than they do"

In my roles as an executive at several tech companies, the one negative feedback I got on almost every review was that I wasn't assertive enough in meetings with other execs. One male CEO even told me "you need to interrupt more, talk more—even if you don't know the answer. Otherwise they'll think you don't have anything to say". Which, honestly, churned my stomach.

The feedback was clear, if I wanted to succeed I needed to talk like the guys¹ in the boardroom—the same ones¹ who'd interrupt to ask a question I was already in the middle of explaining, who'd repeat a suggestion I'd just made—only louder, who'd make some cute comment that would derail my presentation, who'd explain my position back to me as though they'd just thought of it.

I needed to do that...and I needed to do it louder.

Otherwise men¹ weren't going to listen to me.

¹ not all men

Show threadMomoFeb 4

@alice
Honestly, I hear so many storys and I see them myself in team meetings, etc. And I always realize: "That's not me, I don't do that."

But I do. In my case it is related to my ADHD, that I feel the urge to burst out whatever I have in my mind before I forget about it because there are butterflies on the window!

After I realized that I started to observe myself, try to suppress impulses. Medication helps and I think I have this more under control than ever before.

Not because I count my self as "not all men", but because I realized "actually, me too". So thank you and everyone else who spoke up. Please don't stop. And everyone, please don't stop listen, even if you are not all whatever. Because it could be you anyway.

Show threadAprazethFeb 4

@momo @alice
Long reply
We all do it; we are human. Things we are passionate about we can't help ourselves.

What I am **trying** to learn to do when I interrupt someone else, and I realize it during - I apologize. "Sorry for interrupting, I got ahead of myself. Please continue". If I realize afterwards, I apologize as well of course.

Show threadAprazethFeb 4

@momo @alice

Attempting to suppress yourself is not going to end well. Learning to identify your thoughts and actions - and redirecting them works far better and is healthier.

Best thing to do however? Call out when others do it. Friendly at first

"sorry {person talking over another}, love the enthusiasm you are bringing. I would like to hear what {original person} wanted to say first so I have the full context for your reply."

Show threadAprazeth

@momo @alice

"Pardon, I can only follow one person speaking at a time - and {person} wasn't finished yet. {Person}, please continue"

Yes, there is irony in talking over someone is talking over another. Sometimes you can also signal it by just friendly looking at them and once they are finished - redirect back to the original person and apologize for the interruption.

Feb 4 at 6:04pmWeb
Show threadAprazethFeb 4

@momo @alice

In general, don't escalate. But also support the person being talked over originally. If they are standing up for themselves, acknowledge it with a curt nod or say something like a "quite so, please continue where you left if you would"

I know that as ND people we can do this unknowingly. That's why I am very much open about my ND. I mention it at times, I'll ask people to let me known if I'm infodumping (like now, sorry)

That way, they'll know it's not meant in a bad way.

Show threadAprazethFeb 4

@momo @alice

If you genuinely want to alter your behavior in this regard you could look into Cognitive Behavior Therapy with a certified medical professional - or use a little notepad.

Whenever I hear something I want to reply to I make a note quickly and hold out my hand (or gently raise a finger)

It signals I want to say something in a fairly unobtrusive way, and allows me to collect my thoughts a bit AND doesn't interrupt the original speaker.

Show threadAprazethFeb 4

@momo @alice

Right, apologies for this wall of text. This is a bit of painpoint for me as over the years I have issues with talking over people and being talked over as well (still do) But things are better now :)

Thank you for my reading my Feditalk on talking over other people. I could go on but my tea is getting cold.

/end

Show threadSass, DavidMar 5

You know @Aprazeth I'll take these and write them into my little notebook full of smart things which I could say but didn't know before how to say. Keep them comin!

I am usually the one who gets interrupted or just staying quiet waiting for my turn until they turn already ended.

@momo @alice

Show threadAprazethMar 5

@sassdawe

I'm glad the posts are of some use/reference! I deal with the same challenges as well, as I get talked over a lot as well, so the above is tuned and based on what I've found that works - as well as advice I've gotten over the years (that I found to work)

And I do tend to get on my little soapbox from time to time, so I'm sure there'll be more coming ;)

@momo @alice

Show threadLisPiFeb 5
@Aprazeth @momo @alice > Whenever I hear something I want to reply to I make a note quickly and hold out my hand (or gently raise a finger)

It becomes obnoxious when things move fast enough with enough points that one barely has the time to keep notes (nevermind come up with coherent & well-constructed answers) and then meeting is adjourned.

It's annoyingly common, in my experience, and why many things would be better determined over the span of a few days of message board threads.