You have an unlimited budget to make the world first tactical umbrella. What does your umbrella do?

https://feddit.uk/post/38696991

Its a Mary Poppins umbrella that floats you gently to the ground. And a laser shoots from the top.
Wouldn’t you want the lasers to shoot from the sides? How likely is there to be an enemy above you as you float to the ground?
Ergonomically, it makes more sense to hold it like a rifle when it’s folded.
Yeah, but then you’d plummet to the ground…