TheAlbatrossThis is a good way to reframe all too common discussions. Hopefully it triggers some introspection in folks.
I think it does the opposite. People are allowed to have attraction preferences. In the same way that it’s totally fine to be attracted to people of one gender but not another, it’s also totally fine to be attracted to people of one sexuality but not another. We all constantly are getting put in the “not interested” category by random people all day every day due to a zillion reasons, and they’re mostly all totally fine. We don’t get to choose what we’re attracted to.
Certainly, but being trans isn’t a different sexuality.
Plenty of cis people put trans people into the “not interested” category without thinking. Or they assume they are cis and lose attraction the moment they find out they are trans, some even acting like this is a deception or betrayal. So obviously they have something in their head about transness that they have actively decided is unattractive.
There’s the rub.
And thinking on that, wondering why that is, asking if that is something they truly feel or something someone told them to feel, examining the way our own brains work, is often a useful practice to being kinder and more understanding to and of ourselves and to and of others.
I specifically didn’t limit it to just sexuality. Some people are attracted to brunettes but not blonds, some people are attracted to people who are sarcastic but people who are earnest, some people are attracted to people who want kids but not people who want to stay childfree - and that’s all perfectly fine. And unless you wanna become an incel, you should be ok with any particular person not being attracted to you for almost any reason
Someone who says they want children so they don’t want to date people who don’t want children is someone I feel has done at least a bare minimum of introspection about their desires, goals and interests.
Someone who says they only date blondes is not someone who I think has done any introspection about their interests.
Asking people to examine the way they think and why isn’t related to becoming an incel whatsoever. In fact, in my experience, incels are often people who have not really done a lot of introspection into what they find attractive and why, but rather have become obsessed with the idea that they should be having sex and aren’t.
Would you think someone who says they only date white people is exhibiting this “attraction preference” or are they exhibiting bigotry?
It’s very easy to think that there are people who are mainly attracted to some races but not others for non-bigotry reasons. Some people are attracted to fat people but not skinny people. Some people are attracted to short people but not tall people. There’s no reason to think that other physical characteristics can’t be in that same category of preferences
No, actually, I find that’s often not true.
I’ve found that people who are willing to date some ethnicities but not others often exhibit some level of unexamined bigotry, even if they are not abhorrent racists. But I’ve also seen that if they do have romantic experiences with people of that race, this can change, showing that the attraction wasn’t immutable, but rather based on something unexamined in their heads.
I think it’s good and healthy to examine what we find attractive and why.
I specific was using the word SOME people, because obviously there are a lot of bigots out there. Yes, everyone should always examine and reexamine their beliefs throughout their life
Let’s say then, obviously, yes, a lot of the people who people who exclusively date particular ethnicities are doing so for bigoted reasons, demonstrating poor introspection, having their preferences dictated by bigotry and propaganda.
Doesn’t it stand to reason that a similar thing could be occurring with cis people who refuse to date trans people? That many of them are simply bigoted and influenced by propaganda, not having thoroughly examined their thought processes around this concept and instead allowed others to dictate their preferences?
Those many people might benefit from the reframing of that concept to one othering cis people. That is who this post is about.