IndridColdWho got raptured today?
I got raptured but I was hung up on my bedsheets an just floated in the bedroom for 20 minutes. I guess I’ll have to catch the next one.
MeatPilotAh that sucks! I got halfway up and my beam started sputtering, letting me go a little, and struggling to pull me up again. An angel flew down to warn me there could only be one person per beam due to weight constraints and realized it was just me.
They slowly lowered me back down, stuttering the whole way. Dropped me the last 5ft, than I heard a booming voice from the sky say “No fatties”.
jimmuxIt sucks that the beams were calibrated for the average human body weight 2000 years ago. Apparently they weren’t kidding when they made gluttony a sin.
Random_Character_AI just ruptured.
grasshopper_mouseI was very disappointed at the gym this morning when I realized I didn’t have it all to myself.
I missed something were we supposed to be ruptured today?
Not you.
Fuck… I had it in my calendar for next Tuesday
On the plus side, you can feed my cat now.
I will abduction your cat
His name is Bitey. He’s very sweet but don’t get your face too close.
I wanted extra facial piercings
Still a better love story than Twilight
I wish… Would probably solve the American fascism problem overnight when all the Christians vanish
Okay but then the real Christians are gone and all that’s left are the Christofascists
What would their excuse then be?
Confused_EmusGod selected them to prepare the earth for Christ’s return after the years of tribulation. Or some bullshit like that.
Shit, we best bend over and do what they say then
I hate to break it to you…
I know, but I didn’t want you to get your hopes too high
There is some wild pastor (from south Africa?) who “dreamt that jesus is coming. Soon.” Apparently it’s tomorrow to thursday. And then there is some sort of tribulation for 3.5 or 7 years or whatever.
There is going to be lots of people “disappearing” during those two days, according to all this bullshit.
I can’t wait 🥱😴
Thank you! I was genuinely curious what happened
Occurring over a couple of days? Guess that finally answers my question on whether the rapture would happen planet-wide all at once, or go by time zones.
The real rapture will be over in a few hours once all of the bombs have gone off.
Maybe you, but definitely not me.
Jooooin ussss
RedSeries (she/her)I got raptured but forgot I left the oven on so I came back and now they won’t let me back in.
(in a booming voice from the sky)
“Sorry, the bus already left and I didn’t have enough money to pay for a second trip. Try again next rapture.”
Shit, I missed it. I guess I’m stuck here now
Can we circle back and reschedule the rapture for next week? Carrie is on vacation and we need her input.
ShaggySnacksI remember being sucked up a beam of light and two aliens angels welcomed me. Then I woke up in my bed with no memory. Was I raptured?
How does your anus feel?
IninewCrowThey felt the power of the Lord inside them
A little tender however I had spicy food last night.
gon [he]Yes! I did get swiftly kicked out.
SternI chose not to and made a few bucks for petwatching
My favourite theory of the rapture
It already happened … no one noticed because no one was taken up.
Isn’t the rapture supposed to be like… the first step of the apocalypse? Cause I’m lookin around at the state of things right now and uh…
Yup, the skull fucking imps will be a part of the first wave of demons. Should get used to wearing helmets now to protect your skull.
Also known as the skussy
swab148Hell yeah it is
UltraGiGaGigantic卄乇ㄥㄥ ㄚ乇卂卄
How can I make my skussy more appealing to the imps?
Don’t wear a hat and keep your ears clean.
🇰 🌀 🇱 🇦 🇳 🇦 🇰 🇮 No plagues, no zombies, no demons. All these things are supposed to come before the rapture part. The rapture is literally the last part, not the first. It happens on the 7th trumpet blast.
We got covid, krok addicts, and republicans, it’s close enough.
There have been plagues and demons for sure. Some of these politicians are definitely demons in skin suits.
I just don’t know about zombies. But we are close.
Or so few people were taken up that it just amounted to a few missing person’s cases
potoooooooo ✅️It’s all the missing prostitutes from around the world, which is either heartwarming or horrifying depending on your level of trust in theoretical God.
May I offer you my very warm hole for a few minutes? Its only $5.99! Its for a good cause!
With a hard cap of 144,000 in Heaven, the rapture happened already.
Technically not supposed to happen until the horns sound in Jerusalem, which will happen at sundown. I think we have a little bit longer before we can really mock these morons.
Not me I’ve been sinning since the 90’s.
It would be good if all the hypocrites who preach about how christlike they are woukd go away
They all are disqualified for praying in public. Shouldn’t have done that.
Also, presuming to tell God what is what, and vanity.
AsidonhopoI feel like I had a near-miss
Turns out a lot of them were in Gaza, they left behind more than their clothes however
SoftestSapphicWho up rapturing their it?