I've been meaning to write this post for ages, but today's the day. Happy International Nonbinary People's Day! 🖤💜🤍💛

What is it like for me to be a nonbinary person?

When I was born, I was assigned male gender, presumably due to the mere fact that there was no vulva between my legs.

One aspect of my nonbinary experience is that there is nothing that I would like to change about my body. As I said, there was no vulva, but I never wanted one, so no harm done. I don't like the idea of having my body modified (I'm not even into piercings or tattoos). I don't love everything about my body, but I don't think that any medication or surgery could cure that. It's what they call a male body (i.e., I didn't give birth to our child nor breastfed them), but there's nothing male about it. A penis has no gender.

Due to the fact that I have hardly any body dysphoria, I'm not sure if I would call myself trans. I feel honoured if others see me as part of the trans community, but I am happy to acknowledge that my experience is different from that of (other) trans people.

The fact that my body is conspicuously similar to that of many men doesn't subtract from my nonbinarity in the least. There is nothing embarrassing about the fact that I'm both nonbinary and that my body is not. To me, being nonbinary is a social thing. We're talking gender, not sex.

If you see me as male, you're about as wrong as the people who think that I'm Portuguese. (People sometimes think that because I'm not too tall and have dark hair 🤨) There is nothing inherently offensive about being male (or Portuguese), but I'm just not. But I'm not a woman either and never wanted to be(come) one.

When I discovered in my youth that (some) men are hot, I initially assumed that I was gay and attributed my failure to be a 'proper' man to that fact. As it turns out, (some) women and nonbinary people are hot, too, so I'm not gay. I'm pansexual (I guess). I may have been aware of the concept of bisexuality in my youth, but I was unaware that one gets to be nonbinary if one wants.

In my teens, I thought that I was doing masculinity wrong. Now I've decided that I'm not doing it at all.

I usually feel uncomfortable among cishet men, much less so among cishet women (and even less so among queer people of any flavour), but as I said, I always knew that I never wanted to be a woman myself. I actively avoid all-male groups. With individual men, I decide on a case-by-case basis. Due to the fact that I appear to be male, nothing stops them from making incorrect assumptions and trying to make me part of their boys' club, and I'm just not having that. The whole gender binary makes no sense to me, but masculinity is the part that makes least sense to me, probably because that's the part that has been foisted on me for decades.

While I won't change anything about my body, I might change my presentation in the future, integrating any elements irrespective of their traditional association with one binary gender. I won't do this anytime soon for three reasons: First, I don't see it as necessary; I don't owe it to anyone to look like a nonbinary stock photograph. Second, I'm not sure if I could handle potentially negative feedback. Third, I'm constantly pressed for time. (I'm a parent, our toddler is three years old.)

In terms of pronouns, they/them is just fine in English. I live in Germany, so German plays some role in my daily life. In German, there is no nonbinary pronoun that is as common as they/them is in English. I prefer no pronouns in languages that don't have an established third option. (Maybe that's a bit harebrained because how will a third option ever become established if people don't use it before it is? 😏)

In many contexts (especially the ones where I'm not out, e.g. at work), I'm referred to as he/him. As long as people treat me like a human being rather than a male human being, I'm not too offended by 'incorrect' pronouns. Assumptions matter more to me than pronouns – but it's lovely if you get them right.

So that's roughly what it's like for me to be a mid-30s nonbinary parent in Europe. Thanks for coming to my TED talk 😁

Feel free to share if you liked it. Any questions? Fire away!

And once more: Happy International Nonbinary People's Day! 🖤💜🤍💛

#InternationalNonBinaryPeoplesDay #Nonbinary #NonbinaryPride