Mastodawn

If you, like me, grew up with parents who said "it could always be worse" to dismiss all your pain and trauma—including everything they caused—then you might feel that you don't deserve help or empathy unless you're in the WORST situation you can imagine (which is impossible, because it can always be compared to death).

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Nat Jun 16

So if your situation doesn't seem "that bad," then you worry that talking about it might make it seem worse than it is, meaning you're unfairly stealing people's care and attention that really SHOULD be going elsewhere.

Like, if your life is falling apart but other people's lives are falling apart WORSE... then it is cringey and gross to talk about it, right?

Nope nope nope nope nope.

We gotta unlearn all that.

Yes, some struggles are on a different scale...

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Nat Jun 16

AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH MATTERS TOO.

It does not have to be a life or death situation to be important.

And even the less important issues deserve care and attention.

Yep—even in the midst of large-scale tragedy, your "personal problems" are worthy of being honored and witnessed.

That doesn't mean you have to fix everything going on in your life before you can take action and help others.

It does mean that being emotionally held is something we ALL need.

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Nat Jun 16

Now... it's probably best not to ask for emotional support from folks going through more tumultuous turmoil, and if they're experiencing a similar level it might still be iffy (definitely check in about capacity).

Usually the people who can support you are in a more stable/supported place themselves, even if only temporarily.

And their focus may be elsewhere too—but that doesn't mean you don't need or deserve anything. It just means keep looking, keep asking.

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Nat Jun 16

Anyway, if your first thought when you're in pain is "I guess it could be worse..." it's a good time to pause and think about that. On the one hand, maaaaybe a version of this could be a gratitude practice (there's a lot of ableism and privilege in most versions, but stoicism has its place). Usually, though, it's a tactic you learned to dismiss your own feelings first so you won't have to experience the vulnerability of expressing yourself only to be shot down.

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Nat Jun 16

Your emotional response is coming from somewhere, and even if it feels "out of proportion," there's always a reason. So co-regulation, self-soothing, and community care are ALWAYS okay to reach for.

And when you stop telling yourself that you don't deserve to feel like shit so get over it already, you'll actually start to feel better. Because you're not suppressing and reprimanding your pain, forcing it to come out in other ways (like physical illness).

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Nat Jun 16

What your parents meant when they said "it could always be worse" was that your emotions don't matter so stfu.

No more of that. Your emotions do matter. Don't shut the fuck up.

Open the fuck up.

(When and where it is safe.)

Let the pain be felt. Let the pain be held. Let the pain BE. It gets to exist, in the midst of all the other pain that exists.

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Nat Jun 16

In fact, your pain is a connection point for many compassion practices. You may not have been through the "worst," but you've been through something. And that something can open you up to being more available and present to what's going on beyond you, instead of trying to shove it aside and focus on "what really matters."

Ultimately, the healing care that you receive can put you in a position to be that supportive presence for someone else in their struggle. In ways you never could otherwise.

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Yza Jun 16

@nat sometimes hurting it a part of healing. allow yourself to hurt and cry and be messy (so long as you aren't harming others when you could avoid it ofc)

you are allowed to feel and express pain. it can be productive. only as one step among many, but a step you can take regardless

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