Artemis

The cycle of discovering people you think are solid people are actually domestic abusers is fucking exhausting.

But—while we're never going to 100% eliminate abusive behavior—in the world we're trying to build, we can make this shit less dire. When people aren't struggling to survive, they are much harder to exploit and control. Things can be better.

In the meantime though, this shit fucking SUCKS.

May 30 at 4:51pmWeb
Show threadPteryx the Puzzle SecretaryMay 30
@artemis Not to mention, when people feel in control of their own lives, they're less likely to try to control others to compensate.
Show threadArtemisMay 30

@pteryx
This is such an important addition. Abusive systems push people to recreate their own abuse. Abusive behaviors are frequently maladaptive attempts at gaining control over some aspect of your life.

Does it excuse it? No, but people should not have to live in the conditions that encourage those maladaptive behaviors in the first place.

Show threadViolet MadderMay 31

@artemis @pteryx

Stress magnifies everyone's worst tendencies.

The cruelty of this system is the point-- its greatest weapon is the negative feedback loop fed by frustration, desperation, and despair (oh and drugs). Trauma begets trauma.

There are so many hurt people I've tried to help, who just could not or would not stop lashing out at those around them. At a certain point you just have to get the hell away.

Show threadcalendsMay 30

@artemis

"When people aren't struggling to survive, they are much harder to exploit and control."

So very much this. Material dependence on abusers is a big part of what allows domestic abuse to happen. I agree that we can do better, and as with so many other aspects of liberation, it starts with material needs.

My life and the lives of my children would have been very, very different in a world where people's material needs were centered. It would have shifted the entire dynamic, not only in our household, but also in the larger community, which would have made getting out more possible.

Show threadcalendsMay 30

@artemis

(I'm also exhausted btw. Trying to maintain hope, and take positive action, but this shit grinds you down.)

Show threadSin VegaMay 30
@artemis yeah I have.. had to update my list of red flags of late :|
Show threadNatMay 31

@artemis The support space I'm in has a LOT of folks planning for *years* before they can escape. It's a diabolical system.

And very, very easy to keep us trapped as soon as we have kids, because we'll do anything to protect them AND we want to show as much compassion and care as we can. It's not easy to be the villain.

Honestly, I didn't even feel like I had the willpower to leave until he'd *already* made me the villain, and made it clear he cared more about punishing me...

Show threadNatMay 31

@artemis ... than prioritizing the baby's needs.

Unsurprising, because you don't actually love your child unless you genuinely want to support the person who's nurturing your child 80% of the time.