myrmepropagandist2d ago

“I have a lot of problems with social anxiety—“
“REALLY? It doesn’t seem like it at all!”
“uh. Thanks. I think.”

I guess it’s only a problem if troubles or inconveniences anyone *else*. If I’m miserable? Living in a tunnel of fear? Not relevant, I suppose.

Listen, I know people say this to be nice, supportive even. Being extroverted is more socially correct so it’s meant often as a compliment. But, it also feels like minimization.

Show threadmyrmepropagandist2d ago

some responses I like better are:

“do you know what seems to cause it?”

“how do you manage it so well, It’s not something I would have noticed if you didn’t bring it up”

“That sounds really stressful”

“Is something making it worse as of late?”

2xfo1d ago
Show threadmyrmepropagandist

It’s hard to go wrong with simply acknowledging that what another person feels is real. Saying things like “that sounds awful” can feel like not solving the problem but saying this kind of thing solves the problem of a person feeling like no one has even the smallest idea what they are going through.

Even just repeating what they said eg “social anxiety is really bothering you?” can be good.

Apr 25 at 11:59amWeb
Show threadMatt T.2d ago
@futurebird You’re so right. People underestimate how primally most of us want to be heard, acknowledged, etc. Communication, including linguistic communication, is so much more than encoded logical propositions. I mean even something as simple as ELIZA made folks feel heard and cared for! Imagine how much better we can do with showing that we are listening AND actually caring.
Show threadTeflonTrout  he/him2d ago
@nosword @futurebird Hey, thank you folks for explaining this. This helps everybody.
Show threadThe Frog1d ago

@nosword @futurebird

Yes, let's not underestimate the power of validation.

More harm come from the fact that sometimes we doubt if what happened was really harmful or if we were "overreacting". Having someone neutral outside of you saying "yep, that would hurt anyone" removes the doubts and helps kick-start the healing process.

Show threadPooblemoo2d ago
@futurebird I volunteered for a crisis hotline while in college and it was the first thing we were coached for handling the calls was to identify with the situation to actively listen and empathize with the person. Not to say "I know how you're feeling" because we couldn't possibly, but to express the concern about how it *must* feel and to be accurate in the assessment. No over or underestimating it.
Show threadMelancholic Mediocrity 1d ago
@pooblemoo @futurebird may I ask you for a couple of the sort of scenarios you might've encountered while volunteering?
Show threadPooblemoo21h ago
@LibertyForward1 @futurebird It was a suicide hotline and it was over 30 years ago.
Show threadMelancholic Mediocrity 20h ago
@pooblemoo @futurebird I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I was just curious
Show threadPooblemoo18h ago
@LibertyForward1 @futurebird No worries I just don't have a good enough memory to recall conversations held that long ago. People have many crises in their lives where they cannot find a solution and sometimes an empathetic ear can guide them out of what is a believed hopelessness. When the thought of a way out is ending one's life as a solution when the black dog holds them down sometimes reason and logic can be hard to find in all the pain.
Show thread🍯bug1d ago
@futurebird that part. i regret how long it look me to learn
Show threadJuan Per¢ent🍉🏞️🌊1d ago
@futurebird I haven't been very good at this.
I tend, as many men do, to try to find a solutions when someone shares a problem, which is often unhelpful.
Luckily, I've learned more empathetic approaches to someone sharing their problems. Thank you for sharing this.