Frustrated CEO Stuck In Dead-End 7-Figure Job

NEW YORK—Bemoaning the lack of opportunities for growth in his current position, Eakins Analytics CEO Ryan Hammond expressed frustration Tuesday at being stuck in a dead-end seven-figure job. “Honestly, when I try to picture my future at this place, all I can imagine is spending decade after decade stalled out earning $1,200 an hour,” said Hammond, stressing that he clearly had no prospects of receiving a raise given the company’s notoriously stingy record on promotions. “Day in, day out, just sitting in this corner office with an incredible view of the Manhattan skyline and the freedom to do virtually anything I want, whenever I want. Is that really all I can look forward to? God, is this really the life I wanted for myself?” At press time, the CEO had reportedly sighed in despair after hearing one of his high school classmates was pulling in eight figures.