1. Beware consent while horny.

2. Beware negotiation of the form "I want you to try out things, I'll tell you if it gets too much". (By "beware" I don't mean "never do this" but, consider it risky, take appropriate measures.)

3. You can go a long way by paying attention to a sub's bodily reactions. You can't go all the way, you're not a telepath. Be aware of subspace mindmush and, even worse, the fawn reaction.

4. Even gold standard consent—given beforehand, with a cool head, verbally, enthusiastically, with space to change mind and ask to stop at any point—may still not be enough. Sometimes it takes people days or weeks to process an experience and realise it was bad for them.

5. Therefore there's no SSC. All BDSM is RACK. Both sides have to be aware of the risks, including the risk of the consentiest, most consented of consents still not being enough to prevent hurt.

6. It follows that the submissive has a share of responsibility. The dominant is the scene conductor, and as such bears the brunt of responsibility. But the submissive needs to be conscious of the possibility of harm even if all safety measures are taken and no one has ill intent, and that this is a risk they're taking together.

7. It follows that the dominant needs a high level of trust in the submissive, too. The harder the play the more mutual trust needed, "mutual" as in "in both directions".

8. It follows that promiscuity doesn't play well with hard kink. This type of trust cannot exist between strangers and new acquaintances.

9. That's also the case when the submissive is experienced. Obviously you need to move cautiously with someone new to kink. But with an experienced one, there's a natural dommy impulse to prove your worth, to show that you can make them come hard. This impulse has to be identified and calmly set aside. You have to edge yourself and them, too, until trust is built.

10. If you're promiscuous you end up learning a few tricks that you repeat because they are so well received. By the nature of kink, what makes 9/10 submissives melt in an orgasmic puddle will be a trauma trigger for the 10th. Until you know them well, assume each new person may be the 10th.

11. Radical honesty increases trust. From the domme side, this honesty includes not only talking about your past mistakes but going off-character to express vulnerability, insecurities etc. That will help the submissive feel comfortable in surrendering more, not less.

12. Bondage causes a "drunk" state comparable to subspace, and will affect their awareness similarly. Even light casual clothed bondage can have this effect.

13. If you do non-sexual bondage and there's any underlying sexual attraction between you two, it *will* come out. Again: as the conductor, be prepared to resist their soft moaning and arched back at the touch of our fingertips, and edge. Do not escalate to sexual touch even if they're literally begging for it, do it later after cold-headed consent is acquired. Instead of ceding to your attraction, get off on the feeling of power of being in control of it. That negotiation of the form "dunno, you can try things and I'll see how I feel" mixes very badly with rope.

14. Submissives rarely want a scene to be over and may suppress bad feelings with the goal of proving themselves. It follows that you have to be very good at "yellow", at redirecting over a bump. It's impossible to avoid a bump; some mood is always lost at "yellow"; talk with them beforehand to prepare them for that feeling, and let them know that they're in good hands and things will be picked up again soon enough.

15. Always actively thank a submissive every time they say no or yellow, show you're proud of them, both mid-scene and afterwards. Reward this behaviour, create an atmosphere of safety. It's natural to feel rejected, disappointed etc. if you were looking forward for something and it doesn't pan out. These feelings are yours to handle. The sub isn't to be made guilty for them, even accidentally. Rather, concentrate on fact that every "no" increases the trust you can put in a "yes", and use the genuine gratitude for that trust to shape your voice, facial expression etc.

16. Dommes, riggers, and sadists have boundaries too and need for aftercare too. Sometimes you need to assert them strongly.

17. I probably shouldn't operate heavy machinery after play. Even light play leaves me in an altered, elated state.

18. When starting a new kink relationship, put thought also on the non-kink part. Will there be romance? Is affectionate touching wanted? In public? Will you meet their parents as a "girlfriend" for dinner, or will you be "friends" before society? The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord is as useful to a new kink relation as a BDSM consent form.

19. Be prepared to unexpectedly meet your most suppressed inner demons, somehow aroused by a play session, for a late-night confrontation. But you'll be glad you did.