is #fraysexual actually the correct term for us, though.

I think most fraysexual people have a story like mine—we read somewhere the definition of "demisexual", namely "feels sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond", and we think wow! that's exactly what I am not! and then you duck-duck-go "opposite of demisexual" and land in the kinda awkward word "fraysexual": sexual attraction is maximal to strangers, and reduces as emotional intimacy increases. and you think, yay! finally a word for what I am! found my box 

but I wonder if that's actually the most accurate description of my own sexuality. like, "demisexual" is one of the most widespread labels, and I have no reason to doubt demi folk when they say that the dealbreaker for them is emotional intimacy. but for me I think it's not so much a matter of a personal bond being absent, but of _newness of sexual contact_.

there's an unstated assumption here, that knowing somebody for a long time equals emotional depth. I don't think that's fully correct. sure, you need time to build trust and to really get to know people, but there's been people I've been extremely intensely emotionally bonded to on first day of meeting, and people that I've been friends with for a decade and only at a superficial level, in terms of emotion or intimacy.

now suppose I go to a club and start dancing with a girl I don't even know the name of, and that turns into a one-night stand. sure, the intensity of my sexual attraction is maximal in this case. no emotional intimacy and I'm horny as fuck, and with my longterm gf I barely pick the wand vibrator anymore. so that's fraysexuality... right?

but let's suppose there's a girl that I know from ten years ago and we're BFFs and we often give one another emotional support for big life crises and tell one another e-very-thing and we're platonically as close as it gets, but it's never been physical. one day we're out together celebrating her phd graduation and at some point her line of sight crosses mine and she smiles and I smile back and before knowing it we start leaning close until I can feel her breath on my lips and… ähm let's say that, based on certain experiences, I know that my sexual attraction is _also_ maximal in this case.

that is, emotional intimacy is a red herring, I think. how long we know one another, how deep are the emotions involved, all of that is fully irrelevant. what matters is that getting physical with someone I never did before, a new body, is *unspeakably* hot. and, tragically for me, the more I explore that with that particular person, the more my body starts longing for a new experience.

as if my sexual attraction "frays" when exercised.

this doesn't affect any other aspect of the relationship, e.g. if we were building emotional depth or political comradeship, that can continue increasing for years after I've grown fully asexual in that particular relationship.

this also explains why I can recover at least some sexual attraction for someone I've already cooled down on with strategies like: a) being a long time physically away from her body, b) radical vibe changes such as plural switching, c) pushing a new boundary in a kink or taboo (consensually), d) being highly promiscuous then coming back. basically anything that makes that body feel like "new".

I am perfectly aware that this description is how a lot of normalised monogamic relationships work, with entire scenes like the "swing club" arising precisely to "rekindle marriages" in the straight world. nonetheless I feel like for us this common trait can be kinda high-intensity—in many occasions we've had mind-boggling intense, impossible to resist sex upon 30mins of meeting then fucked everywhere like rabbits for a week then kinda fooled around in cuddly way for the month, then lost all sexual interest forever. If I had to reserve "fraysexual' for specifically the absence of emotional bond, then I'd have to call our sexuality what, neosexual? adventurous? slut, simply. wantonsexual. sexuality: "womaniser". what's your sexual orientation? it's "lesbian bed death"