@mcc the only reason that isn't the case for me anymore is that I gaslit myself into thinking it was "exciting" instead of "terrifying" and that the adrenaline was good.

Often I can still believe that... up until there is the slightest miscommunication or I can't get them to laugh within the first few minutes of meeting them.

And that was mostly learned behavior as the only way to survive childhood with my father who had learned his own (very shitty) coping mechanisms around his undiagnosed (till the very end) autism (and deeply closeted gender stuff) and tried training me out of my behaviors into what "worked" for him (at least that's the most sense I can make of it looking back).

So I feel you (not saying that's similar to your story, but some of the end results were the same).