I'll start with a detour: Up until the last century it was the common and scientific understanding that children wouldn't need consistent love and warmth. As to my understanding John Bowlby was ridiculed for suggesting children have emotional needs that should be met. They'll just grow up weak and spoiled. Best for them to learn to obey their distant caregivers. And if they fail to do that, how about a slap?

Luckily we've come a long way since then.

2/8

We understand that children are just tiny and sensitive humans. We've learned that people will be more peaceful + resilient when they receive secure attachment, which means being physically + emotionally taken care of. We've learned that relationships should be built upon cooperation and mutual respect. We've learned that children who act out carry some emotional baggage and need extra care and help processing it.

This is a great development but I think we need to take this a bit further.

3/8

I rarely find the attitudes outlined above when people are dealing with themselves + their inner lives. When struggling with difficult feelings or thoughts it's easy to find this advice:
- Don't give your negative thoughts any air. Just distract yourself.
- When you notice fear coming up, just breathe until you calm down.
- You need to debate and refute your inner critic.
- Try to be more mindful. Notice your thoughts and feelings, but let them pass without attaching any meaning to them.

4/8

It is mostly: ignore your inner life or fight it.

I just twitch whenever I come across these bits - and it's in so many books, in social media, in therapists offices, in coaching sessions, in my friends brains. And there are so many people who are practicing any variation of this so diligently but just won't thrive and think it is their fault.

Holy hell. I so want to yell at this.

But I've often felt shy about it, because some of it seems to be evidence-based advice.

5/8

I believe these ideas help some people sometimes. But they're inefficient and rooted in a paradigm I want to see overturned. Let me explain:

You don't know anything about cars and want to figure out how to move them forward. We'll get different cars, a bunch of people working hard and we manage to push most of them forward. It is evidence-based that this works.

But once you learn more about cars you understand that it's inefficient to push and instead teach people how to drive.

6/8

So maybe the way we're treating our inner states right now is like trying to push a car. And it might be better to take another look under the hood.

There's a model of human personality that is called #InternalFamilySystems (#IFS). It suggests that we're all made up of different parts. Many of them might be giving us grief, but instead of being a 1950 parents towards them, it might be best to become attuned 2020s caregivers.

7/8

These parts don't intend to hurt or sabotage you. They want you to be safe, but aren't very skilled. They're really just tiny humans inside who need the same care actual tiny humans do.

Which is not: tuning out, ignoring, ridiculing, debating, refuting, belittling.

It is: Turning towards them. Listening. Validating. Holding them when they cry. Trying to understand where they're coming from. Figuring out their needs. Then lending a helping hand and walking forward together.

8/8