dumpsterlidMar 1, 2024

People get upset at me for saying sorry all the time

https://lemmy.world/post/12604333

People get upset at me for saying sorry all the time - Lemmy.World

What hurts is that people treat it like I am doing this obsessive, unnecessary thing when in reality the amount I say sorry is perfectly tailored to the amount that I am randomly (random only from my perspective of course) pissing people off all the time around me with my actions. Which in practice means I say sorry all the fucking time. Those same people that tell me not to say sorry I have pushed to the edge of their tolerance of me many times, and the ONLY thing I can do in those situations is say sorry in a genuine way. Of course, the ones that love me always return to their more patient selves and apologize for getting frustrated with me to an extreme, but apologies mean nothing to the memory in my body of feeling like I am always sliding towards seriously aggravating someone and hurting my relationship with them. Further it is only a learned, constant input of willpower and constant attentiveness that keeps me from blowing past people’s threshold of patience for me in moment to moment interaction but also in broader life interactions and choices. Saying sorry a lot is my way of double checking my social awareness and making sure I am not missing the fact that now I am just yelling at everybody for no reason because I am excited about the conversation or something. When people react with “hey, stop saying sorry!” the consequences are they are mildly annoyed at being asked the question, but when it opens up a conversation about something I have been doing that is genuinely annoying people around me it can often be the ONLY thing that saves me and others from a lot of unnecessary suffering. The world is going to have to become a hell of a lot more accommodating and accepting of ADHD before I stop saying “Sorry!” all the time and it is frustrating that people get upset at me for using a perfectly rational coping strategy in a society extremely hostile to my disability. Its like, people don’t want to see the amount of effort I have to put into not being a burden on others because it stresses them out and feels like a broken record…but that is exactly what it is.

Show threadsystemglitchMar 11, 2024
Stop saying sorry, everyone hates hearing it often.
Show threaddumpsterlid

I promise you, I equally hate having to say sorry all the time.

It doesn’t matter though, because I will fuck up in an unacceptable way with someone I love or who has power over me, and I will have to manage that moment some how.

In that moment if I cannot guarantee I will not repeat a similar kind of action that created the problem again, I am left with no agency except to attempt to express the fact that it emotionally impacted me that I hurt that person with my fuck up.

I really don’t think people are understanding my point here. It is so easy to say “Nobody wants to hear apologies” because it is so self evidently true, but that is precisely what makes apologies one of the most practical forms of poetry. You have to impact someone with your words when the last thing they want in the world are words.

People can handwave away everything I am saying as overthinking it or trying to manipulate people but frankly when you take a look at people’s daily lives and the interactions they have with other people in social situations constantly it is absolutely absurd to claim this isn’t a constant problem we all have to solve almost every day of our lives.

It just feels good to say the words “Nobody wants to hear an apology” because yes, every single one of us can immediately conjure that feeling of aggressively wanting action not words. That is why most of the time apologies don’t work, that doesn’t mean they aren’t frequently our only option. The cultural blindspot people have about this when discussing human interactions in the abstract is exhausting, particularly because it is an essential skill in most people’s lives.

Mar 11, 2024 at 6:33pmWeb
Show threadsystemglitchMar 12, 2024

Yeah, you need to just stop saying sorry. All your words mean nothing, because you are failing to grasp just how self defeating it is to apologize so often.

You are feeling sorry for yourself. No one else is.

It’s honestly so stupidly simple, but here you are adding layers of complexity to something that is begging the opposite.

I know I’m wasting my time writing this, because a lot of who you are at your core is evident, and you are afraid to actually face yourself.

Stop saying sorry and allow yourself to focus on something which might lead to a better life, because this self absorbed victim mentality will lead to actual mental illness.

Show threaddumpsterlidMar 12, 2024

because this self absorbed victim mentality will lead to actual mental illness.

thanks for the heads up!