ilexMar 6, 2024

Discord moderation, User slides into DMs, can you help me decide how big a deal it is?

https://lemmy.world/post/12814053

Discord moderation, User slides into DMs, can you help me decide how big a deal it is? - Lemmy.World

I’m part of the modteam for a book club. We have biweekly pub in-person meets, but we’re primarily online. One of our members has a body-positive fitness social media presence. She shared this exchange with the modteam as a kind of “hey, this is a thing that happened.” We’re currently discussing how to handle unwanted advances with the lady mods taking lead. Lots of planning talk that when applied to this instance may have blowback. Our discord club rules disallow being disrespectful (be respectful), but it isn’t explicitly stated this extends to private conversations and in-person interactions. There is an easy interpretation of the exchange can be summarized as, “Male user offers a makes a bad joke/compliment, is rejected, apologizes, and tries to reconcile.” The prevailing interpretation is he is being a creep. I think the in-person interactions between the two is she stopped by a club meeting to say hi to us, and he was in attendance. He is a new member. Is the exchange problematic, boys will be boys, or red flag, or yellow flag, or no flag? Is this a just have a talk with him, or tell him to take a hiatus for a couple weeks, or tell him to not come back? What’s your read? ____ Male User, Day 1: Just want you to know I followed you and I can’t help but it I am looking disrespectfully. You are ridiculously attractive. Female User, Day 2: I don’t think that’s the compliment that you think it is. Male User, Day 2: It was a meme I was attempting to reference and it clearly was not a good attempt. I’m sorry. Male User, Day 3: I know I embarrassed myself yesterday but could I make it up by buying you a drink sometime? At book club or elsewhere?

Show threadtoasteecupMar 6, 2024

Guy chiming in but

Gut reaction says yellow flag, pull him aside tell them the behavior is not acceptable as warning and that a second incident will be cause for a ban from all club activities.

Gut also says, defer to the lady mods if they have a preferred method of handling it.

Show threadilexMar 6, 2024
They expressed a concern that a warning means that it’s ok to sexually harass members once, but not twice.
Show threadtoasteecupMar 7, 2024

Without knowing your ruleset, I can see two ways of handling it.

Situation one, the rules did not call it out. If this is the case, it feels a little (like 5% if you can quantify feelings) bad to immediately ban someone for violating a non-exist rule. Particularly if it could have been an accident.

Situation two, the rules called it out. It could be worth talking with both people separately to determine intent. If it seems that the harassment was intentional, bannable offense. If it seems like he was not trying to harass her, strict talking to with a strike. Accidents do happen and a nuke option for an accident could lose a loss of other members out of fear.

Show threadilexMar 7, 2024
Who admits to intentional harassment?
Show threadtoasteecupMar 7, 2024

  • that’s why both parties must be interviewed separately of course. That will give you both perspectives allowing for an informed decision to be made.

  • For this specific situation I would say 2 is sufficient if it’s clearly an accident according to both parties. 1 is sufficient if it seems to be intentional based on review.

  • that’s why I addressed if the rule was stated. If it’s not there, you’ll need to weigh in on the situation and make the judgment call. Then the rules have to be addressed to show the club’s stance on the matter and the consequences. After that, whatever consequences are stated by the rule are how each incident is handled no exceptions.

  • Up to you and the mod staff, but were I a mod I’m aware of no situation in which a racial slur is used as an actual prank. To drive home a point though, I am very well aware of situations where I’ve make a joke that didn’t land well. I intended it to be funny, but it came across as weird and creepy. I apologized and it was an accident. Fortunately, that was taken into account when the situation was reviewed.

    • Show threadCarnelianMar 7, 2024

    I apologized and it was an accident

    Was the joke that you were horny for someone’s photos, even though you didn’t know this person at all? Did you only apologize after getting shut down, insisting the whole thing was just a “meme reference”? Did you completely undermine your own apology the following day by sliding into this person’s DMs again asking for a date, which made her so uncomfortable that she reached out for support?

    Show threadtoasteecupMar 7, 2024
    This feels oddly aggressive. Given I merely wanted to give my answer and cover some uncertainties I had regarding the situation and have done so with op, I’m going to disengage now as I neither feel up to nor deserve to feel attacked.
    Show threadCarnelian
    A summary of the sexual harassment incident we are currently discussing makes you feel personally attacked?
    Mar 7, 2024 at 5:40pmWeb
    Show threadtoasteecupMar 7, 2024
    It was the way in which you personally stated it and now continue. If that wasn’t your intent then I apologize for saying it was. Nonetheless, I have nothing more to say to you given this clarification.
    Show threadCarnelianMar 7, 2024

    You inserted yourself into the situation personally, to “drive the point home”, as you put it. I asked how similar the situation in question really was to your own.

    You’re obviously distressed by this comparison. With that in mind, can you imagine how this woman might be feeling?