God forbid that you actually openly communicate with a woman!
It’s painfully obvious that the Lemmy population is primarily men. Frustrating. edit: to save my sanity, I choose believe that the majority of comments here are trolling. Y’all cannot genuinely be this dense. I wanted to talk with other women about this to get more clarity and it turns into…this. Damn.
Looking for signs and not seeing them and then being told we missed signs that were indistinguishable from being polite is just part of being a man. So is being told off because you read signs that previous women said were their signs, but weren’t for someone else.
The best skill a man can have is being able to ask if there is a slight chance while being ready to casually accept rejection, because hints are so inconsistent from person to person and men are expected to initiate.
It’s 2024 you can tell a man you like them.
Why can’t you ask yourself?
Holy shit
The dude wants to know if a woman likes him! If he wants to know, HE SHOULD ASK!
In this case from the context it’s pretty clear they were likely sending signals.
Are you reading anything beyond what you want to read?
My guy.
He’s literally the person complaining about it. So my advice was to ask.
“But it shouldn’t be always on the men to—!”
YEAH OKAY SURE but in this situation, if you really wanna know, just ask!
My GURL
They explained to you why that doesn’t work.
Nah, in this case, women shouldn’t be so damn coy and think that they are being desirable.
It works. The problem is that this doesn’t work with women/humans that play games.
And at that point you should ask yourself is that a person you want in your life.
If I ask someone and get rejected in a rude way I’m hurt, of course, but at the same time I’m happy because I dodged a cunt.
And if you ask and get a positive response the whole thing starts on a great note.
So depending on your perspective it is a win-win situation.
The woman may not even realize that he has any romantic interest!
You do you realize that this is exactly the same issue for the man, right? Literally: The man may not even realize that she has any romantic interest.
The secondary problem is that if the man thinks the answer might be yes, and chooses to act on that, he is far more likely to be treated as a harasser if he’s wrong.
The man may not even realize that she has any romantic interest
Then she should speak up and vice versa.
It’s not that deep.
Then she should speak up and vice versa.
Well, yes it should be this simple, in an ideal social world where everyone is a good actor with no ulteriror motives.
In reality, social interaction is not this simple, and generally the man is expected to initiate. Social behavior hasn’t actually caught up to modern ideas about gender equality, and few women are willing to actually take the risk of rejection and instead assume that the man will take that burden by default.
I get your broader point here but you understand there places/situations where this is inappropriate as a guy right? I generally try my best to leave women the fuck alone. I’ve befriended plenty of women in customer service/hospo so I’ve heard many a “guy mistakes my friendly (I.e professional) demeanour to be more than it is” and I have 0 interest in being that guy.
My current partner had to ask me out when we first started dating because while we were always friendly at work, it was just that. Friendly. What if I asked her out and she wasn’t interested? Now I’ve torpedoed a work relationship, a friendship and created a potentially uncomfortable work environment. If she had asked and I wasn’t interested? At least she’s not a tall, bearded dude who hopefully can handle rejection fine.
That’s a fair point.
This also implies that a woman’s experience is that men often carry the risk of danger if rejected.
That’s… concerning.
I mean, the sad part is that there's really no other place guys and gals mix besides work or school. Once you graduate it's just work that remains. I don't even mean romantically either. I think it's hand in hand with the loneliness epidemic everyone keeps talking about. Where do you meet new people? Women can be so rare in some men's lives that to just say "ask if they like you" almost implies that they should ask every woman which both sides know is not what should be happening.
Ideally you would be mixing with strangers at a pub or something where if you put your foot in your mouth and somebody says no to friendship/partnership you both go your separate ways and no harm no foul, you probably won't even run into each other for days/weeks, but now everything is just shitty.
Clubs are too loud to talk at, so while you might be adjacent to a bunch of new people you won't be with any new people.
Bars work somewhat decent, people are friendly, the counter is where strangers mix. It does require you to imbibe a steady stream of booze though. You'll also have to jump around until you find one that you like. Same thing with smoking areas, smokers are crazy friendly, asking for a light is a great ice breaker. I actually used to carry a lighter just for this reason, and I never even smoked. Still a terrible habit to adopt to get friends though.
Any speed-friending or dating events/sites are just crawling with cringey people (I once went to one and had someone try to sell me a timeshare)
Everything has gone up in price, which sucks because now you go to an event and have a pressure to make it worth the money which just adds to the shittiness of the night.
The most reliable place people hang with strangers is the internet, but even then it's not a conversation. It's letters and pen pals.
Way too many people just have work left to meet people and that's not exactly a great place to pursue a relationship because careers cause way to many tripwires. A foot in the mouth brings in HR. Someone gets promoted and now there's a power dynamic. Yes it's inherently riskier to pursue people there. I think guys complain about it more just because they're more isolated and deal with it more.
I spent a lot of time when I graduated trying to find somewhere where I could find people and I finally landed on the convention scene and even met my wife there, but it took almost 5 years of leaving my house, trial and error, lots of events, and some truly boring expensive nights.
Looking for signs and not seeing them and then being told we missed signs that were indistinguishable from being polite is just part of being a man. dating women.
It’s like that as a lesbian too lol
Also gay and bi people!
I was just working with the context of the post and social expectations of heterosexual dating.
Those complicated women!
I’ve not really recovered from my last rejection and that was not even romantic but merely friendship driven.
I’m not complaining, I’m just confused.
To be fair I have asked in the past and at times gotten a cryptic message back that confirmed nothing or an ew no.
It’s the fear of that ew no that keeps from from asking.
just answer ‘‘thank you for the disgust sentiment, really needed that from a friend, cya’’
if they say ‘‘no’’ but they lying, just treat it as a real no because people not able to be open about this are not ready for a healthy relationship
The fear of “ew no” is real, but also not nearly as big a deal as you might think.
“Ew no” is at its most powerful in small, isolated communities, where a single “ew no” from the wrong person can have outsized reputational damage. Think high schools, small towns, etc.
As you get older though, you have a lot more opportunities to meet more people who have zero relation to anyone who might’ve said “ew no”. Pretty great that way.
But there’s also the more intimate damage of “ew no”, just that it hurts to be rejected or thought of that way. The good news is that anyone who would say “ew no” is legitimately not anyone you want a relationship with in the first place. Neither of you would be happy together, so their rudeness aside, they’re doing you a favor of not wasting your time with an unhappy relationship. Seeing the bigger picture there really can help with the ego damage from “ew no”. Their reaction is more a reflection of them than it is of you, and recognizing that really helps with confidence building, too.
Sorry for the ramble. I was a nerd in school back when that wasn’t cool. But I’ve been happily married for a while now, and it would’ve never happened had I not been willing to risk an “ew no” from time to time.
I was also a nerd in school. I still am, but I was one then too. The “ew no” was a big thing for me to get over, but that is the biggest fear most guys have with putting themselves out there.
I also try to remember that a woman’s biggest fear is being raped and/or murdered. If I keep that in mind it is easier for me to give them easier outs when I asked them out. I’m married now, so I don’t know about current dating trends. I think a little empathy could go a long way though.
This comment section is weird.
What kinds of breakfast do sharks eat?
Or are you a breakfast that eats sharks?
This comment section is weird.
God, it hurts. I wish I couldn’t read.
What kinds of breakfast do sharks eat? Whatever they want!
Or are you a breakfast that eats sharks? I would never eat a shark! I love them a lot. (:
it’s not that weird from my perspective. the post was kinda a rant so it baited people that are not really ready to discuss but just felt like having to point out their perspective in a defensive way
break the chain my friends, we can do better
Whenever the topic is discussed, this video must be posted or else there will be bloodshed.
In keeping with the spirit of 2x I’m not here to spout my opinion into this community meant for those of female gender. I’ll put forward some information that may help alleviate your confusion and bring context as to why you’re receiving the responses and opinions you are:
A Lemmy.ca survey was conducted at the end of last year, and resulted in 87% reporting as male gender, 7% as female and 6% combined as non-binary, genderfluid, other, of the users who opted to answer the question.
Other servers probably have a similar distribution but some may be more skewed to some demographic such as lemmy.blahaj.zone.
Wow, so there are more women than just me on lemmy.
I have nothing to add to this post but I saw this thread was mostly full of men, and… idk I wanted to fix the gender imbalance? I mean, lemmy is cool but these comments are so on-brand lmao.
The official stance of this community is that any woman is a woman. If you identify as a woman, you are a woman and you are welcome here. We will not tolerate anti trans hate. Also sorry for mod absence, work has been CHAOS. We are now accepting mod applications! Please fill out the mod application [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1MdWjLA6oW_lhpMlcZzTMs5m9yPGSZw2PdZNytqTElOo/edit?usp=drivesdk] if you’d like a chance to become a new mod here. Due to the nature of this community, please only apply if you identify as a woman.
The comments I’m referring to are all still here. I think you’re just lacking context:
My comment comes from a place of snark, not offense, like the other commenters.
This subcommunity is TwoXChromosomes, a subreddit for women’s perspectives
The OP post is a vent post, venting about how male perspectives are just like… everywhere on lemmy, to the point is is not just the default, but even things about women’s perspectives are bogged down by “but what about MY perspective”, from men.
You can see this all play out in the comment chain started by snooggums
If this still doesn’t make sense after reading all this… hey this is unrelated, do you identify as male?
Bonus feature: the screenshot in the OP’s post uses the word “tsunedere” unironically to describe IRL interactions. We have all met this person online… some of them are probably in the comments of this post. I’m not making a moral judgement about people like this. Nerds are my people. I’m just going to point out that they probably have a lot of interpersonal struggles, and seeking romantic relationships are just one facet of that. I’m also wondering if the person in OP’s screenshot, if he were to think a little harder, if he really thinks using anime stereotypes to describe IRL women is uh… you know, a good thing to do?
I’ve met men like that: they know two groups of people, Ordinary People and women.
Anyway, I wrote more than I meant to. Hope this gives a little insight about why people are replying this way.
It’s painfully obvious that the Lemmy population is primarily men. Frustrating. edit: to save my sanity, I choose believe that the majority of comments here are trolling. Y’all cannot genuinely be this dense. I wanted to talk with other women about this to get more clarity and it turns into…this. Damn.
OP gets btfo on Reddit, and the turns to Lemmy seeking updoots to salvage their ego. More news at 11.
Who cares what redditors think about your post, y’all need to quit reposting this crap to Lemmy for clout. Make some original content. If you wanna talk Reddit, stay on Reddit. We all know it sucks, that’s why we’re here and not there.
I get you and I am sorry the comments are as shitty as they are.
Everyone, please report those comments that dont fit in [email protected],
SharkEatingBreakfast
schmidtster
snooggums
ex_06
Dukeofdummies
Notyou
Urist